Testament of love…

Sept.25 3:36 am

What is the true testament of love?

Is it holding on to someone so tightly while knowing that you can’t love them how they need you to?

Or is it the courage to let go and watch the one that you love loving someone else?

When the relationship begins to unravel,do you allow the strings that bind to become a solo strand?

Or do you gather the remnants of the tattered love and attempt to salvage the warmth that your heart desires.

When the waves and tides of love and life come what do you do? Do you cling to whatever drift wood you can capture and hope to be rescued.

Or do you learn to surf and ride the waves back to the shore for the safety of sand not sinking so that your footing is secure?

Hold on or let go?
Stay or leave?
Separate or cleave?

What is the true testament of love?

* This piece was spawned by late night/ early morning conversation with my Zaniyah, my muse, my luv bug!! Thank you Zina!!*

History over the present….

I was once told that history always wins out over the present. The context in which this was said to be me was pertaining to relationships.

Now this was many many years ago that my “boyfriend” at the time informed me of this. It was during a time that we were dating but beknowst to me his ex long time girlfriend was still a factor.

As fate would have it the then ex and I had an impromptu meeting that resulted in him having to make a decision.

Surprisingly and thankfully at the time, he chose me.

We were happy for a while before he started acting very different and eventually we broke up. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he went back and to her.

She the past won out over me,the present. I was heartbroken. In my heart of hearts truly loved him. Honestly I still do.

Several years passed with no contact between he and I except for exchanging happy birthdays on social media. Much to my surprise almost seven years later he contacted me via social media. Being that it is as nowhere near either of our birthdays curiosity got the best of me (Along with the soft spot for him in my heart) and I responded.

The stroll down memory lane spawned many tucked away memories for me. We exchanged current pictures and caught one another up relatively quickly. To my shagrin he was still with history.

He and I had always been very open with our feelings for the another. And with the chemistry that we had shared since we first spoke to one another; things took off.

Next thing I know we are making plans. Him flying to me, me flying to him and us meeting up for other trips. It was as if we never left one another. Yet the fact that I knew he was returning to history after each one of our wonderful trips, began to manifest. Feelings of hurt, jealousy,possessiveness resentment, and so much more began to creep into my heart.

When was it my turn to be the victor?? Hadn’t the roles changed?? I wasn’t exactly sure.

On one hand I was now history because she was the present. So wasn’t I entitled the prize of his heart by that alone.!

OR was she still history and I yet again present? Or was I right now?

Confused and hurt I made an executive decision to be never again. Cutting all ties with a man that I still love to this day.

But my love for ME is much stronger. And my faith leads me to believe that God has a one and only to whom I will be his always.

So for that I’ll patiently wait for that to manifest. Continue reading “History over the present….”

09/11

I am sure that this blog is going to raise some eyebrows and possibly truly offend some.  To that I say you are welcomed to stop reading at anytime that you choose.  These are my opinions based on my experiences regarding the burning question of today.

“Where were you when the towers fell, Do you remember?”

Of course I remember, as I am sure every other person that was of the age to have some understanding of what was unfolding on 09/11/01. Yes I remember vividly being en route to take my children to school and talking on the phone to my best friend Joycelyn Horton-Searcy as I did every Monday through Friday .  The difference that morning was that as soon as she picked up the phone I heard panic in her voice, but she was asking if I was OK.  Oblivious to what was happening in the world because the first tower fell as I was engaged in the hour long one way commute to the childrens school.  As Joycelyn filled me in I remember my heart dropping as I looked at my daughters playing in the back seat in my rear view mirror.  Of course I remember!

Forever burned in my mind is getting back home to find my ex husband and brother and sister in law sitting in the living room with blank stares on their faces.  Still not having seen it with my own eyes I don’t think that it was real to me.  As I walked past the couch to take a seat and join them in the living room, I can still here my brother in law yell, “Damn there goes the other one! Baby we gotta get back!” I was bewildered not only by the images on the screen but by the statement that he had just made to his wife and the fact that they where hurriedly packing their truck to make a 12 hour drive while all of this tragedy was unfolding.  I didn’t understand it, nor did I realize in that moment for the first time I saw real HEROS!! My Brother in law Earl Williams and his wife Colleen were both soldiers .

As we kissed them goodbye and saw them off with tears and plenty of “I love yous”, I was still befuddled.  Why were they leaving?

When those towers fell I now know that their training and instincts instilled in them had engaged.  They were no longer Earl and Colleen, they were  SOLDIERS!  They saw what I couldn’t then.

Since then God has blessed me to have been surrounded by the brave men and women who so selflessly sacrifice themselves to fight for this country and our freedom.  They jeopardize their lives for months, years, and multiple times so that we, I can sleep at night, carefree.

Yeah, I remember where I was when they fell. But more importantly is what I have seen since then.

I have seen my near and dear friends return to their families in a casket. I have been soldiers come back to find that their wives/husbands have left them. I have seen a young man leave for his fifth, yes fifth deployment just yesterday! I watch on facebook as a friend watches her daughter grow up through Skype and pictures because she is contracted on the other side of the world. As a result of the tours that many have served for us, many have disabilities mental and physical. Some have lost limbs while some have lost their minds.  PTSD is very real despite what some may think. Parents have had to take out children over there and live with guilt because of it every day. The missed births, holidays, birthdays, graduations, and every other milestone possible…. our service men and women sacrifice all of this for US!!

I was checking out at Dollar Tree a couple of weeks ago and the cashier was asking each customer if they wanted to donate a school supply ($1.00 Value) for military children going back to school.  I nearly came unglued when the woman in front of me responded, “Hell no, what has the military done for me? Isn’t enough that I already pay their salaries?” How rude and disrespectful!! I wanted to punch her in the face. (Hey I am just being honest) But instead I politely explained to her the fact that she could part her lips and speak such ignorance is because of our military.

It angers me that there are still ignorant ungrateful people out there today that disrespect these same men and women that selflessly serve and protect this country! That our Commander in Chief is still disrespected and referred to by his first name and anything other than President Obama!!

When was the last time that you thanked a Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine? When was the last time that you gave thought to how our freedom is protected? Yes, the freedom to speech to disrespect our President!! When was the last time that you saw a military mom raising her children as a single/married mom and offered her a hand?

I think it is all fine and good to remember where you were on that day. But to me its more important to reflect on where you are today because of that day.

I want to thank my friends and family (blood or bond) that have at some point and still to this day are courageous enough to take that oath for our protection.  I thank the spouses an families for all of their sacrifices.  I pray for you all. And for those who made the ultimate sacrifice I say Sleep In Peace.  THANK YOU! I continue to thank God for placing President Barack Obama in office for two terms and lift him and the First Family up in prayer!

In closing, I challenge all to take a look not only where you were on 09/11/01, but to look deeper and really think about how things changed because of it and are you better because of it on 09/11/15?

We need to do better by these brave men and women.

I’m done

My Heart

I know that it’s there, but then again I don’t….

I can barely hear it, feel it, its beating is ever so faint…

What I once had is now lost, seemingly to never be found again…

It is battered, bruised, and it has been broken time and time again…

I have it hidden away, what used to be the essence of me…

It’s now something that I barely even know…

I keep it covered with my hand; it’s too damaged to show…

It’s been stepped on, misused, pulled apart and carelessly abused…

I have had it broken and through many life storms it has endured…

I locked it away to protect what little life it was able to maintain…

Promising myself to never share or give it again…

A Heart is meant to be free, to feel all that it can feel, to love and to be loved…

Though it is damaged, my heart yearns for life again…

When I look at you, feel you, touch you, smell you, and taste you…my hand begins to slip away…

Wanting to reveal this tattered heart that I have been too ashamed to share…

My grip is beginning to loosen, no matter how much I fight to maintain my hold…

My heart is fighting to survive, to heal, and to experience the love it thinks that it deserves…

With great trepidation, I am slowly allowing my hold to fall away!

In an attempt to show you a glimpse of what I have been clutching so tightly, hiding, and trying to protect from harm…

It is not a beautiful sight, it is held together with duct tape, rubber bands, and glue…

It is shapeless, full of cracks and tears…

The beating is faint, and it is so, so weak, but it wants to trust YOU!!!

So, please be gentle, handle it with care, and know that it is fragile.

They say that time heals all wounds…

I pray for time and healing…

I also pray that you have a gentle, slow hand…

So that someday this old beat up heart of mine will be able to fully love and be loved  again…

Words

Written- 06/19/2014 9:40am

 

Words…

are a powerful tools

can cut you to the quick

boost your spirits

soothe a sick soul

they can be a balm to wounds unseen.

 

Words…

can comfort

make love

build lost confidence

they can deflate the largest of egos.

 

Words…

hmmmmm

 yeah

What about your words???

How do you use your power?

I am a woman who has lived many lifetimes within this unfinished lifetime.

God has blessed me to have had many paths along this journey that we know as life.

Through each test God has continuously built my testimony. With each hurdle, He has heightened me. Every time I stumbled, He raised me stronger.

I am a flawed living witness to many things. I have many a stories to tell.  Lend me your ear as I give voice to the silenced tales within me.

This is all a work in progress as well as healing for me as I begin to peel those layers back.

Be patient with me and slow to judge. Check back occasionally, as this is a new venture for me.

Thankyou all in advance for your love and support.

Agape’

Tracylily

Welcome All!!!

Welcome All!!!

This is my very first post.

I have been writing since I was a teen and have countless journals, notebooks, napkins, and scrap pieces of paper with notes scribbled on them.

It has been a lifelong dream to write and publish a book.

God Has blessed me to nearly complete the first of what I pray to be many books.

As I travel and explore the ins and outs of the publishing process I wanted an avenue to begin to share some of my writings and thoughts.

During a inbox conversation with a long time friend it was suggested that I start a webpage or a blog. So here I am.  (Thank you Leon)

Please remember that is new to me and a work in progress.

I will be posting here in the near future.  My prayer is to either inspire or entertain.

Thank you in advance for taking this trip with me.

Tracylily