Yearning

Moment by moment, I yearn to hear your voice. As your voice plays like a melody in my head and my heart, I yearn to see your handsome face. As soon as our eyes meet, I want you so bad. As we approach one another I yearn to touch you, to kiss you, to hold you while you hold me. As I feel your heart beating next to mine, I yearn for that feeling to last for all eternity. You smell so good to me. As I breathe you in I yearn to taste you, to sample your nectar. Oh how I yearn to become one with you, to have your manhood surrounded by the moisture of my inner most place. I yearn to look into your eyes to see the passion that burns so deep, for that moment that we melt in unison and can hardly catch our breath. I yearn to yearn for you, all of you. I wait, I dream, I desire for all and of you. But more than anything it is the yearning that never stops and neither will my love for you.

Ashamed

Never allow shame or embarrassment to hurt or disappoint someone that would never hurt you. I sit here very emotional messaging with a friend that I hurt out of shame. And it is a horrible feeling not to be able to find the words to tell him WHY!! All of these months later, I am still embarrassed. Smh. Not me with my big mouth and outspokenness…. Yes me!!

As hard as it is to admit the things that happened to me, I can tell it in this forum with hopes that it may help someone else.

Earlier this year I was involved with a man that was married (yes I know) and called it off. My conscious would not let me continue in this when he and his wife reconciled (they separated while we were involved). This man that had always been kind and gentle with me became very aggressive and verbally abusive.

He had always been a heavy drinker and on a few occasions became belligerent while drinking heavily.

As I said after calling it off he became very different. By this time he was working at the same place as myself. Shortly before the break up we got into a physical altercation. I blamed myself to a degree because I lost my cool on him while he was drunk and he reacted which resulted in me having a black eye, fingerprints on my neck and chest, and a very bruised ego. I was shocked and terrified! I had never had a man put his hands on me in my adult life and only once as a teen.

I dealt with feelings of it being my fault, I felt that if I hadn’t lost it on him for acting a fool while he was drunk he wouldn’t have did what he did. Anyway I called the cops and reported it, also reported it to our job. I could have had him arrested and fired. But despite popular belief I am not a mean person and I still felt responsible. So out of consideration for his household, his children, and his livelihood I didn’t press charges and I did all that I could to avoid him at work.

Over a couple of months he still pushed going out of his way to talk to me, coming to my desk, going on break while I was on break, anything to be in my space. Occasionally he would even try to bait me into arguments at work.

Leaving work one night late unbeknownst to me he was in the parking lot. I left work as I normally did, alone. I went to the gas station to gas up for a quick road trip. I didnt think anything of him calling my phone (as he often did). I surely didn’t think he was following me; I ignored it as I had been doing for a couple of months. I stopped by home to get my charger for the road.

As I was walking out of my door to leave he pushed me back in demanding to know why I was just getting home. I tried to push past him and he pushed me down. This happened a few times until he stopped pushing me. Instead he slapped me, I slapped his ass back. He grabbed me by my hair and told me I wasn’t going anywhere. Me still trying to get out of the apartment and away from him made him more and more angry. He punched me, I fought back as long as I could. He picked me up and threw me on the floor, spit in my face, told me I was garbage, kicked me a few times. And finally left.

I was devastated. How the hell did all of this happen? Again I started questioning if I had answered the phone would he have been so mad… All kinds of things going through my head.

I had a black eye, busted lip, patches of hair pulled out and thought I had broken ribs.

(Now in the midst of this my friend that I was taking the road trip to meet was texting asking questions. I was too ashamed to tell what I had just experienced.)

I drove myself to the hospital and lied about what happened to me. I told them I had been jumped in my parking lot and didn’t see who had attacked me. Fortunately my ribs weren’t broken. Painfully they were bruised.

Until now I have NEVER told one person what happened to me. I never told my friend I wasn’t coming, I left him hanging. I guess I wasn’t much of a friend. I allowed my shame to break a friendship with someone who would have undoubtedly came to be there with me and not allowed me to heal alone. But I was so embarrassed that this had happened to ME!

I called off from work for a couple of days after seeing my doctor and getting a medical excuse from work. I think I said I had a stomach virus.

Most of my external scars healed but internally I have not been the same. I still see the remnants of the black eye every time I look in the mirror or take a picture. So I leaned to wear a little makeup, (which I never did) and wear my hair to cover that eye as much as I can. (Yes that explains the pics).

I want anyone reading this that has had similar experiences to know, you are NOT at fault. NO ONE deserves to be beat on. Don’t go through it alone, isolating yourself prolongs the hurt. If you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me. No judgement.

To my family and friends I am sorry that this has come out this way and that I didn’t reach out. I was and still am embarrassed. To my dear friend, I offer a million apologies for standing you up, having you waste your time and money, for avoiding your calls and most importantly for never giving you an explanation. I am truly remorseful.

I am still struggling with this experience more often than I care to admit. I still see the bruises when I look in the mirror. I still relive it in my dreams. I am hesitant to start talking to or dating anyone, I don’t think I am ready. I really don’t care to talk about it. I felt that I owed my friend an explanation and was to cowardly to speak the words.

Never let shame or embarrassment cause you to hurt or disappoint someone that would never hurt or disappoint you.

Tired

Tired of being second, sometimes even last.

Tired of being rushed
Cause people wanna move too fast.

Tired having to “love” myself.
But I’m more than just some a**.

Tired of hanging with nobody,
But not into smoking grass.

What has this world come to?
Or am I stuck in the past?

Tired of being Ms,
But wanna a marriage that will last.

I see dudes sitting in the car
While their ladies pumping gas!

Expecting a man to open doors these days is too much to ask.

Saddened by the world today. So on my knees tonight I pray for how this world has gone astray.

Better wake up! Salvation knows NO color!!

It is crazy to me how easily some of us become distracted and focus on the wrong thing at the wrong time.

The tragedy in France on yesterday is still a freshly opened wound. The body count and number injured is still undetermined for sure. Yet already we have people up in arms on a teetering racial platform. I just don’t get it….

“Why did it take it happening in France for people to pay it attention? It just happened in Kenya too!”

YES it did happen there 7 months ago!

I ask where were YOU then? Were you praying for Africa as it was unfolding? Most likely NOT!!

But now you are the town crier?
Now don’t get me wrong, my spirit led me to pray then as well. Also when those bodies were washing ashore in Libya, I was praying and fasting. College campus shootings, yep praying.

Now back to my original statement; easily distracted and focusing on the wrong thing at the wrong time.

We are living in the LAST days!! Revelations CLEARLY speaks of all that is manifesting on a regular in years of late!

Come on y’all WAKE UP!! We need to be standing together, praying together as PEOPLE!! Not fighting over nothing more than the melanin in our skin!! You have got to be kidding me!! We all bleed the same red blood!!

Tsunamis, famine, mass destruction, war, rumors of war, earthquakes, division of the people, and the list goes on and on and on! These are things that we are witnessing with more and more frequency. YET these are things spoken in the Bible!!

Salvation knows no color!!

Don’t be fooled into focusing on the dissension of this “racial” pissing contest!!

Better wake up and see that it is just a trick of the enemy to keep you from seeing that the rapture is fast approaching and you need to get you life right. If not you will be left behind!!

Yes I am proudly praying for Paris.

More importantly I surrender to Jesus who paid the price for my sins and I repent and ask for eternal forgiveness and salvation.

I see the signs! I pray for ALL! I pray for all lands, all nations, all of Gods people!! I pray for lost souls and spiritual awakenings.

In Jesus name!!
Amen!

Note: I am speaking for NO ONE but myself. These are my opinions based on my beliefs. If you believe otherwise I respect your opinion as just that. YOURS. As always I welcome feedback and I stress I have no desire for negativity, malice, or ignorance. So please respect my page.

Round of applause

Loving you proved to be the most wonderful yet difficult times of my life. The downs truly out numbered the ups; yet the peeks managed to overshadow the valleys.

I shed enough tears to keep afloat the sinking ship called “Us”. But was there ever really an “Us”? I guess as long as I believed so, you played your role.

You deserve a standing ovation!!!

You pretended to love me and I believed you.
(Applause)
My home became yours. (Applause)
The pilot seat of my rides programmed not solely for me, but also for you.
(Applause)
Vacations to places you could have never dreamed to visit, of course on me.
(Applause)

What was it that your boys called me? Oh yeah, your sponsor! Lol

Standing ovation!!

How is your golf swing?
Never a thank you.
How is your child?
Ours…. Never born.
How am I?
You never asked.
Been pampered lately?
I never held back.
When can you use, I mean see me again?
Never plan on it.

Yes you brought the magic!
The smoke and mirrors that is.
You played me to the extreme, yet to you forgiveness I give.

I pray that to my extent you never play the fool.

Na I lied.

Forgive you I do. Yet in the same breath I hope that karma lets me see her have her way with you, as I applaud.

Life matters

Yesterday I watched my sister go out of her way to save the life of an ant. Another woman witnessed this as well and suggested that my sister “just smash it!” With a look somewhere between how dare you and disgust my sister smiled and simply replied “No, it’s not bothering me it’s just there. Why would I kill it?” My sisters actions along with her response when questioned about them spoke to my heart.

What if we all took that same line of thinking? Would the crime rate be at an all time high? What if we all made the choice not to destroy those that aren’t bothering us? Would we have so many senseless killings?

Who are we to determine which lives have value? Be it a person, an ant, bird, animal, insect, etc. who are we? I mean really. If it isn’t for the meeting of our basic survival needs; food, shelter, and clothing, why do we do quickly take lives?

My thought is if God has kissed it with life then He has the say!

I hear and see the battle cries and slogans,day in and day out.

Black lives matter…. White lives matter….. Cop lives matter…. Women’s lives matter…. And so on and so on.

The truth of it all is that LIFE MATTERS!!

We as a whole need to get back to respecting and honoring God. Then in turn maybe we can soften our hearts and remove the scales from our eyes. Let’s get back to loving one another of all species.

Remember ALL LIVES MATTER!!!

Self Doubt

Self doubt is a silent killer of dreams. It is a thief, the stealer of things. Things earned but possibly never seen.

The seeds that we allow to take root in our minds can so easily destroy. Destroy the harvest of positivity when your season comes to sow.

Self doubt will lead you to doubt your God given talents. It can break you down, make you think you aren’t worthy. I won’t let it get the best of me and/or take what God has reserved for me.

Self doubt can come as that small voice that causes you to question if you really can. Great news is that the Holy Spirit, in a much bigger voice, reassures that WITH GOD OF COURSE YOU CAN!!!

I have learned to turn self doubt into a cheerleader. The more self doubt surfaces, the closer I know that I am to completion.

Be encouraged! And don’t let self doubt rob you.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
Philippians 4:13