Ashamed

Never allow shame or embarrassment to hurt or disappoint someone that would never hurt you. I sit here very emotional messaging with a friend that I hurt out of shame. And it is a horrible feeling not to be able to find the words to tell him WHY!! All of these months later, I am still embarrassed. Smh. Not me with my big mouth and outspokenness…. Yes me!!

As hard as it is to admit the things that happened to me, I can tell it in this forum with hopes that it may help someone else.

Earlier this year I was involved with a man that was married (yes I know) and called it off. My conscious would not let me continue in this when he and his wife reconciled (they separated while we were involved). This man that had always been kind and gentle with me became very aggressive and verbally abusive.

He had always been a heavy drinker and on a few occasions became belligerent while drinking heavily.

As I said after calling it off he became very different. By this time he was working at the same place as myself. Shortly before the break up we got into a physical altercation. I blamed myself to a degree because I lost my cool on him while he was drunk and he reacted which resulted in me having a black eye, fingerprints on my neck and chest, and a very bruised ego. I was shocked and terrified! I had never had a man put his hands on me in my adult life and only once as a teen.

I dealt with feelings of it being my fault, I felt that if I hadn’t lost it on him for acting a fool while he was drunk he wouldn’t have did what he did. Anyway I called the cops and reported it, also reported it to our job. I could have had him arrested and fired. But despite popular belief I am not a mean person and I still felt responsible. So out of consideration for his household, his children, and his livelihood I didn’t press charges and I did all that I could to avoid him at work.

Over a couple of months he still pushed going out of his way to talk to me, coming to my desk, going on break while I was on break, anything to be in my space. Occasionally he would even try to bait me into arguments at work.

Leaving work one night late unbeknownst to me he was in the parking lot. I left work as I normally did, alone. I went to the gas station to gas up for a quick road trip. I didnt think anything of him calling my phone (as he often did). I surely didn’t think he was following me; I ignored it as I had been doing for a couple of months. I stopped by home to get my charger for the road.

As I was walking out of my door to leave he pushed me back in demanding to know why I was just getting home. I tried to push past him and he pushed me down. This happened a few times until he stopped pushing me. Instead he slapped me, I slapped his ass back. He grabbed me by my hair and told me I wasn’t going anywhere. Me still trying to get out of the apartment and away from him made him more and more angry. He punched me, I fought back as long as I could. He picked me up and threw me on the floor, spit in my face, told me I was garbage, kicked me a few times. And finally left.

I was devastated. How the hell did all of this happen? Again I started questioning if I had answered the phone would he have been so mad… All kinds of things going through my head.

I had a black eye, busted lip, patches of hair pulled out and thought I had broken ribs.

(Now in the midst of this my friend that I was taking the road trip to meet was texting asking questions. I was too ashamed to tell what I had just experienced.)

I drove myself to the hospital and lied about what happened to me. I told them I had been jumped in my parking lot and didn’t see who had attacked me. Fortunately my ribs weren’t broken. Painfully they were bruised.

Until now I have NEVER told one person what happened to me. I never told my friend I wasn’t coming, I left him hanging. I guess I wasn’t much of a friend. I allowed my shame to break a friendship with someone who would have undoubtedly came to be there with me and not allowed me to heal alone. But I was so embarrassed that this had happened to ME!

I called off from work for a couple of days after seeing my doctor and getting a medical excuse from work. I think I said I had a stomach virus.

Most of my external scars healed but internally I have not been the same. I still see the remnants of the black eye every time I look in the mirror or take a picture. So I leaned to wear a little makeup, (which I never did) and wear my hair to cover that eye as much as I can. (Yes that explains the pics).

I want anyone reading this that has had similar experiences to know, you are NOT at fault. NO ONE deserves to be beat on. Don’t go through it alone, isolating yourself prolongs the hurt. If you need someone to talk to feel free to reach out to me. No judgement.

To my family and friends I am sorry that this has come out this way and that I didn’t reach out. I was and still am embarrassed. To my dear friend, I offer a million apologies for standing you up, having you waste your time and money, for avoiding your calls and most importantly for never giving you an explanation. I am truly remorseful.

I am still struggling with this experience more often than I care to admit. I still see the bruises when I look in the mirror. I still relive it in my dreams. I am hesitant to start talking to or dating anyone, I don’t think I am ready. I really don’t care to talk about it. I felt that I owed my friend an explanation and was to cowardly to speak the words.

Never let shame or embarrassment cause you to hurt or disappoint someone that would never hurt or disappoint you.

4 thoughts on “Ashamed

  1. God bless you Tracy.. You are stronger than you realize. I’m so glad that you decided to share because you have started the healing process. Love you my sister.

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    1. Tamara,
      Publishing this was one of the most difficult and humbling things that I have had to find the strength to do in a very long time. I just pray that someone will get something useful from my experience. Thank you for the feedback and support. I love you back my long time friend!

      Like

  2. Tracy wow, you are never alone. This brought back that five year old little girl hearing her mother scream, because she did not cook breakfast before going to see her sick father. To this day, I still smell the blood and sweat from my mom. You are truly brave and I commend you for sharing this with us.

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    1. Danielle,

      I am sorry to know that your mom had to endure this type of hurt. And I am sorry that it still effects you to this day. I share because I feel that the shame that comes along with domestic violence needs to be broken down. Thank you for the feedback and support.

      Like

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