I’ll wait

It is a difficult thing to watch the love of your life love someone else.

To know that your heart yearns for that one missing piece that only that person has to make it complete.

To hear them speak another with the loving sweet tone that you felt was only reserved for you. We all know the voice that I am speaking about. The voice that drips I love you without having to say the words.

I tell myself to hold the on that my time will come. There is no need in fighting the fact that it is only he that I truly desire. I have filled space and time on occasions, but that’s all that it has been, passing time.

Anyone that I try to date. I feel myself comparing them to him. 27 years later I have yet to find someone that could even stand in his shadow. No one else comes close to measuring up.

They say that anything worth having is worth working and waiting for. I will continue to wait and work because I know with everything in me he will be well worth the wait.

What happened to Richmond Heights?

What in the world is going on?! I was just talking to my cousin, she asked if I heard about the 7 year old little boy that got shot and and killed in a drive by shooting a few streets over. ( God rest that babies soul an comfort his family.)

I hadn’t heard, so she sent me the link. I was outraged and felt a sense of panic at the same time. Not 30 minutes before they say that this happened, I was sitting in my car on the next block on the same street the shooting took place on talking to a friend that I hadn’t seen since the last day of elementary school.

My heart and mind began to race. My niece is seven, her favorite past times on winter break are playing with her OPS, playing littlest pet shop on her tablet, and watching the amazing world of gumball to name a few.
My grandson is eight, he likes playing board games, doing science projects end playing video games.

These babies are innocent and haven’t really began to live life! It troubles me that a child their age, possibly a classmate to my niece is now deceased. In what world and in who’s mind is this okay??

This makes me sick to my stomach!!!!

What has happened to our neighborhood. I used to take pride in living/being from Richmond Heights. No we didn’t have the wealthiest neighborhood, but our parents made a good living and our neighborhood was safe and something to be proud of.

Shortly after I arrived back here a few weeks ago I was talking to a deployed friend of mine on FB, he commented on the palm trees and made a comment that I live in a rich neighborhood. I laughed and told him it was funny he said that and told him the name of our neighborhood. Once I told him I grew up in Richmond Heights, he quickly got very serious and asked should I really be here. I asked what he knew about Richmond Heights, being that he has never been to Miami. His response cut deep “it’s bad out there, I see it all the time on the first 48.” ☹ Dang!!
This is the second drive by three days. Lord have mercy!! What has happened to our neighborhood? Why Lord are not only people in general losing their lives over foolishness, but now the babies?! Lord I pray for the family of this baby, his classmates when they go back to school, for the administrators that have to find a way to explain death and a loss of a friend to these little ones.

Richmond Heights used to be s place to be proud to live and some envied those that lived there. We need to find a way to bring peace to out streets so that we can LIVE safely and these precious babies can have a chance at life. And some day know the pride that came with being a resident of Richmond Heights!!!

Single life sucks!!!

On the brink of 2016, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Relationships are more confusing than I can ever recall these days. Open relationships, co-habitations, same sex relationships, whore mongers, womanizers, you name it, it’s at an all time high. Except for traditional marriage!!

I look at the majority of my friends and women in my family, the greater population is guess what, SINGLE!

Yes some are shacking up or in same sex relationships. The reality is that both of those situations still equal single!!

I myself,by my own definition, am the epitome of single lady and it truly sucks! Most days I don’t mind it much, but on the days that it does wear on me, it REALLY wears on me.

Yesterday was one of those days!

While driving home from work my car just cut off in the middle of bumper to bumper rush hour traffic. Not once, not twice, but several times. It just happened out of nowhere, I have never had issues with my car. As much as I tried to remain calm, panic quickly set in.

God has truly blessed me with a great circle of men in my life. (None of them mine though.) I started reaching out for knowledge of what could be the problem and what I needed to do.

I am thankful for my boss, my uncle, my childhood boyfriend, and the love of my life for all answering my calls. Each gave me their opinion and reassuring words. They showed great concern and a couple even offered to come get me if needed. Each gave me a little something to hold on to and kept the tears that were on the verge of falling at bay. My Woobie assured me that it was all going to be okay. I needed that!

So armed with the knowledge that if all else failed someone was coming to get me, prayer, and comforting words I made it to my destination. The commute that normally would have taken me approximately 50 minutes took almost two hours.

After praising God for the safe passage I went to my uncles house. What a relief to see someone who cares and had encouraged me.

Truth is, I was shaking like a leaf and a hug would have helped out greatly to calm my nerves. I so desired to just crawl up into the arms of someone and be held. What I wanted was someone to ask if I was ok. Someone to figure out the problem and get it fixed. I wanted to be the little lady while my man came to my rescue. BUT I don’t have one!

Last nights events made me say a few times……SINGLE SUCKS!!!!

I thank my boss, my uncle, my teddy bear, and my Woobie for being there for me. It means more than you each could know. All knights in shining armor in your own way. Your wives and the others girl friends are truly blessed to have chivalrous men in their lives.

I am at the point where single is no longer going to cut it for me. Prayerfully God will send me a man groomed by Him in the near future. Because once again….. SINGLE LIFE SUCKS!!

Wait on God

Traditional wedding vows state, “for better of for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part”.

Till death should be a mighty long time. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment.

If it is so important and designed for such longevity, why do we do it hurriedly?

I got married at the age of 19, to a man one year my senior and I had known him for a mere 8 months to the day. Looking back, I feel like we got lucky to have lasted 14 years in our union. But 14 years is nowhere near what I envision to be a lifetime.

I know people that have married in less time or knowing one another less. We rush into these supposedly lifetime covenants with a momentary knowledge of the person that we are entering into it with.

As soon as things start falling apart we want to run to God and petition Him to bless, cover and fix it. But the reality is that often God never ordered or blessed it in the first place.

It is crazy to me that we shop around for a home, comparison shop for cars, lol even PLANNING at length these weddings…. That God hasn’t called us in to. But we rush into marriage?? Come on now!!!

It doesn’t matter how many of your friends are married, how many times you have been a bridesmaid, nor how bad your mama and daddy want you married! If it is not ordained by God it will not last!!

I don’t care how much you cry and plead with God to round out the edges of that square to fit into that round hole, it will NEVER be the triangle that God intends for it to be unless it is ordered by HIM!

Y’all I said all of this to say that Gods will is perfect and He knows exactly what we need. Yes even in marriage. If we could just learn to wait on the one that He is forming and perfecting just for us! Marriage is beautiful and rich when it is done within the will of God.

Be blessed and wait on God!


Smh. Baby daddy….

Topic…… Baby daddies!!

Why is it that a man is so in love and team you until the baby arrives??

I am speaking from personal experiences and the experiences that I have witnessed by those that are close to me.

What is it about some men that when they are no longer in your good graces (between your thighs) that you become garbage.

As a woman why are we reduced to the equivalent of a paper plate? (Disposable!) When we are no longer serving in a sexual capacity!?

When will these overgrown boys realize that every time they call their “baby mamas” a whore or bitch they are harming their children? By putting down the mother of their children, what are these punks hoping to accomplish?

As women we have put ourselves close to death to bring your offsprings into the world! Sometimes even without the “baby daddy” present. But that same woman is now a whore?

How about this? The next time one of you cowards fixes your mouth to call your baby mama a Bitch, you call your mama and remind her that she is one!

Why is it that once the mother of your children out grows your immature ways and finds a MAN, she is now a whore? Again call your mama and remind her that she is a whore!

Don’t forget that your mama was someone’s baby mama too, so “baby daddy” anything you say to the mother of your children, double it for your mom. I mean afterall she did decide to keep and give birth to your sorry asses!

Let me take a moment and address the dumb chicks that lay up with and support this foolishness. Yes the ones calling and playing on the baby mamas phone, Facebook lurking, and consigning on the ignorance that spews from these fools mouths!! Y’all can suck it!

Keep in mind that it is only a matter of time before you are trash to him as well. If they don’t respect the mother of their child what makes you think he will respect you?

The only difference between you and the baby mama is that you don’t have his child. So you are simply just a dumb bitch or a stupid whore.
I am done ranting for now. But I will say if you so called baby daddies put as much time and energy into being a father to your children as you do in putting down their mom, the world would be a much better place.

I’m done!

Hold on

As I am purging, cleaning, and packing this morning I came across one of my old spiral notebooks.
Everyone that knows me is aware that write ALL of the time. Small notes, poems, letters, journal entries, you name it most likely I have written something about everything.
As I thumbed and skimmed through the pages I came across something that greatly disturbed me and instantly formed tears in my eyes.
In my handwriting, was written my obituary!!!
My Lord, the memories of the day that I sat and wrote it came flooding back to me. My heart aches still as I type.
This was shortly after the end of my 14 year marriage was officially over.
It was an extremely rough and lonely time. I remember waking up that morning disappointed that I had yet awakened AGAIN.
During this time I prayed every night before I fell asleep for God to take me home in my sleep.
I was broken and void of hope of better things to come.
I made up my mind that if God wouldn’t take me home that I would send myself! I made plans down to the date. I remember revising my will and double checking my DNR. LORD have mercy!! I am thankful that HE knew better than me.
Curiosity got me to searching to find out what had foiled my plan. God is so amazing, on the day that I planned to end the life that I was so weary living, I was on a plane to Miami. My Heavenly Father had orchestrated that my biological father had sent for me on that very day. Thank you Lord and thank you Dad.
As I read through tear filled eyes the list of family members that were to survive me, my heart breaks.
I see the name of my grandma who is gone to be with the Lord. I think of the week that I spent with her before her passing and the laughs and smiles that we shared. Wouldn’t have happened.

I read and re read looking for the names of my grandson and youngest niece, both of whom I love dearly. They weren’t born yet, one not yet conceived. I think of how my grandson warms my heart and how my niece is amazing. I would not have seen them born. Knowing and loving them, would not have happened.
I think of the friendships of those that I have met over the last eight years. The connections that I have made to friends that are closer than family right now. Never would have happened.

I thank God that I am still in the number. Be it good bad or indifferent times, I am glad that He kept me.

I share in hopes that someone that is going through something that seems impossible right now will have hope. Know that you can make it THROUGH!! Hold on to Gods Hand. He loves and values you when it seems that no one does.

Hold on just a little while longer.

Married man magnet

“I know who I am and I know how I feel. Judge if you want but this struggle is real.” Tracylily

I watched the first two seasons of being Mary Jane in their entirety about a month ago. While watching I remembered why I never finished watching the first season. It hit a little too close to home.

Let me pause right here.

Now for those that who have never had a struggle or stronghold in your life; Those who are perfect and blemish free, stop reading right now. If you are going to feel the need to stub your nose at me or give me the side eye,again stop reading.

Let me also say that I am not bragging or boasting about the things that I am about to discuss. I am not the least bit proud. What I am, is hopeful. Hopeful that in my candor, someone will know that they are not alone and in turn heal.

Now back to being Mary Jane… I stopped watching during the first season because it hit too close for me. The storyline prompted me to take a look at myself and admit to me that I was indeed Mary Jane!!

I too was VERY involved with a married man and had been for years. In fact I was head over heals in love with this man. Would do anything or forsake anyone for this man. To the point where I sabotaged potential relationships with other men, single men. So that I could be available for married man. I also cut off certain so called friends so I that he, married man, wasn’t uncomfortable coming around.

Having just come out of a 14 year loveless marriage, I was a little scared where relationships were concerned. Yet, I was early 30s and in my sexual prime. So I found myself with a dilemma on my hands. I wasn’t ready for the full time commitment to a full fledged relationship, BUT I had a very strong need to have my insides scratched on the regular.

During this time I met married man. Well he was engaged man at that time. To say the least his scratching skills were just what I needed. Unfortunately I didn’t find out until after the first scratching session that he was getting married in less than two months.

We got to be close. We spent a great deal of time together. We dated and did things on the regular. He lived approximately an hour away so we could move about my city very freely. During our “courtship” he was there at least a few days a week and we spent every weekend in one another’s arms on various trips or at home.

He did all the things that a husband would do. He maintained the lawn, kept our cars clean, maintenanced and gassed up, took out the trash, carried in the groceries, fixed things, took the dog to the vet, helped pay bills, and kept me well groomed. And kept my inner itch at bay every chance we got.

He was my man for all intents and purposes. I was faithful, loyal and dedicated to him. To me,I felt that I had my cake and was eating it too. I had all of the positives in my eyes, of a relationship without the parts that I had grown to hate while I did my 14 year sentence in the loveless marriage.

We NEVER argued, didn’t have to explain my spending, no problems about bills, he didn’t leave his dirty socks and draws everywhere, when I asked him to do something it got done, I didn’t have to pump gas, and more importantly I didn’t have to share my bed every night, so I could sleep however I wanted to!!
He got married and five days after he said I do, he was with me for a week. Sadly enough it didn’t bother me at all. Hell I was happy. His closest friends knew me, we all hung together on a weekly basis. By this time I had moved. We had a lease and a car together. He was mine!


One forth of July I came face to face with him wife. Talk about uncomfortable!! We were at a BBQ! He had just spent the weekend with me at the house and went back home on this particular morning. A mutual friend of he and I invited me to the cookout and married man told me to come on out and chill.

Married man and I arrived within Minutes of one another and all was good. Married man was manning the grill and I was at a table full of wives chatting and talking. Wife arrived and after greeting husband came to sit down and just my luck she sat right next to me. (Having been the wife of a cheating husband I felt so conflicted as this unfolded)

I stayed sitting there. I felt it would look to awkward for me to get up and leave. Which I ended up glad that I stayed. She began to talk about married man like a dog!!

Wife spoke about how she couldn’t stand being intimate with him, he was sloppy, she hated that she married him, and that she loved that he travelled every weekend. I was floored!!

As I said previously, I have been Mary Jane!

(More to come in the near future)

Again my purpose for sharing is not to be judged but to let someone know that they are not alone in something like this as well as promote dialogue.

I am sure that someone is wondering if this is the man that I referenced in “Ashamed”, I assure you that it absolutely is not.