“I know who I am and I know how I feel. Judge if you want but this struggle is real.” Tracylily
I watched the first two seasons of being Mary Jane in their entirety about a month ago. While watching I remembered why I never finished watching the first season. It hit a little too close to home.
Let me pause right here.
Now for those that who have never had a struggle or stronghold in your life; Those who are perfect and blemish free, stop reading right now. If you are going to feel the need to stub your nose at me or give me the side eye,again stop reading.
Let me also say that I am not bragging or boasting about the things that I am about to discuss. I am not the least bit proud. What I am, is hopeful. Hopeful that in my candor, someone will know that they are not alone and in turn heal.
Now back to being Mary Jane… I stopped watching during the first season because it hit too close for me. The storyline prompted me to take a look at myself and admit to me that I was indeed Mary Jane!!
I too was VERY involved with a married man and had been for years. In fact I was head over heals in love with this man. Would do anything or forsake anyone for this man. To the point where I sabotaged potential relationships with other men, single men. So that I could be available for married man. I also cut off certain so called friends so I that he, married man, wasn’t uncomfortable coming around.
Having just come out of a 14 year loveless marriage, I was a little scared where relationships were concerned. Yet, I was early 30s and in my sexual prime. So I found myself with a dilemma on my hands. I wasn’t ready for the full time commitment to a full fledged relationship, BUT I had a very strong need to have my insides scratched on the regular.
During this time I met married man. Well he was engaged man at that time. To say the least his scratching skills were just what I needed. Unfortunately I didn’t find out until after the first scratching session that he was getting married in less than two months.
We got to be close. We spent a great deal of time together. We dated and did things on the regular. He lived approximately an hour away so we could move about my city very freely. During our “courtship” he was there at least a few days a week and we spent every weekend in one another’s arms on various trips or at home.
He did all the things that a husband would do. He maintained the lawn, kept our cars clean, maintenanced and gassed up, took out the trash, carried in the groceries, fixed things, took the dog to the vet, helped pay bills, and kept me well groomed. And kept my inner itch at bay every chance we got.
He was my man for all intents and purposes. I was faithful, loyal and dedicated to him. To me,I felt that I had my cake and was eating it too. I had all of the positives in my eyes, of a relationship without the parts that I had grown to hate while I did my 14 year sentence in the loveless marriage.
We NEVER argued, didn’t have to explain my spending, no problems about bills, he didn’t leave his dirty socks and draws everywhere, when I asked him to do something it got done, I didn’t have to pump gas, and more importantly I didn’t have to share my bed every night, so I could sleep however I wanted to!!
He got married and five days after he said I do, he was with me for a week. Sadly enough it didn’t bother me at all. Hell I was happy. His closest friends knew me, we all hung together on a weekly basis. By this time I had moved. We had a lease and a car together. He was mine!
One forth of July I came face to face with him wife. Talk about uncomfortable!! We were at a BBQ! He had just spent the weekend with me at the house and went back home on this particular morning. A mutual friend of he and I invited me to the cookout and married man told me to come on out and chill.
Married man and I arrived within Minutes of one another and all was good. Married man was manning the grill and I was at a table full of wives chatting and talking. Wife arrived and after greeting husband came to sit down and just my luck she sat right next to me. (Having been the wife of a cheating husband I felt so conflicted as this unfolded)
I stayed sitting there. I felt it would look to awkward for me to get up and leave. Which I ended up glad that I stayed. She began to talk about married man like a dog!!
Wife spoke about how she couldn’t stand being intimate with him, he was sloppy, she hated that she married him, and that she loved that he travelled every weekend. I was floored!!
As I said previously, I have been Mary Jane!
(More to come in the near future)
Again my purpose for sharing is not to be judged but to let someone know that they are not alone in something like this as well as promote dialogue.
I am sure that someone is wondering if this is the man that I referenced in “Ashamed”, I assure you that it absolutely is not.