Hold on

As I am purging, cleaning, and packing this morning I came across one of my old spiral notebooks.
Everyone that knows me is aware that write ALL of the time. Small notes, poems, letters, journal entries, you name it most likely I have written something about everything.
As I thumbed and skimmed through the pages I came across something that greatly disturbed me and instantly formed tears in my eyes.
In my handwriting, was written my obituary!!!
My Lord, the memories of the day that I sat and wrote it came flooding back to me. My heart aches still as I type.
This was shortly after the end of my 14 year marriage was officially over.
It was an extremely rough and lonely time. I remember waking up that morning disappointed that I had yet awakened AGAIN.
During this time I prayed every night before I fell asleep for God to take me home in my sleep.
I was broken and void of hope of better things to come.
I made up my mind that if God wouldn’t take me home that I would send myself! I made plans down to the date. I remember revising my will and double checking my DNR. LORD have mercy!! I am thankful that HE knew better than me.
Curiosity got me to searching to find out what had foiled my plan. God is so amazing, on the day that I planned to end the life that I was so weary living, I was on a plane to Miami. My Heavenly Father had orchestrated that my biological father had sent for me on that very day. Thank you Lord and thank you Dad.
As I read through tear filled eyes the list of family members that were to survive me, my heart breaks.
I see the name of my grandma who is gone to be with the Lord. I think of the week that I spent with her before her passing and the laughs and smiles that we shared. Wouldn’t have happened.

I read and re read looking for the names of my grandson and youngest niece, both of whom I love dearly. They weren’t born yet, one not yet conceived. I think of how my grandson warms my heart and how my niece is amazing. I would not have seen them born. Knowing and loving them, would not have happened.
I think of the friendships of those that I have met over the last eight years. The connections that I have made to friends that are closer than family right now. Never would have happened.

I thank God that I am still in the number. Be it good bad or indifferent times, I am glad that He kept me.

I share in hopes that someone that is going through something that seems impossible right now will have hope. Know that you can make it THROUGH!! Hold on to Gods Hand. He loves and values you when it seems that no one does.

Hold on just a little while longer.

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