I have heard songs and even scripture about the motherless child. I have felt this way more times than I can count. Although my relationship with my mama has been a rocky one, it has been one.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that I would live my life feeling like a childless mother. But I do. Everyday.
There are people that I have known for decades that have heard me talk about my children here and there but not a fraction of the amount of time that I think of them.
I have friends that have lost their children to gun violence or a tragedy of sorts. I comfort and console them to the best of my ability and I’m sure that most don’t think I can begin to understand. Not so.
Not only can I relate, at times I feel like my pain is even deeper. My children are here, alive, breathing, and living their lives… void of me. What hurts most is that I lost them thinking I was making the best decisions for them at the time.
Those decisions haunt me each and everyday. At times to the point of wanting to just end my life. End it because this isn’t living! To have carried, nurtured, raised, molded, and mothered my babies, but now as adults they refer to me as dead, it is unbearable.
I am in no way implying that I was the mother of the year! I made mistakes, I fell short, at times yelled too much, spanked to hard, punished too long, and more than I care to torment myself any further about at this very moment; but I am their one and only mother. They are my babies!
I miss them everyday, not one goes by that I don’t think of them. I carry every picture that I have of them with me everyday. Some days all I can do is cry because I want to reach out, but fear the rejection and lack of forgiveness.
I also laugh at the good funny times. I crack myself up doing the running man when I’m sleepy, I will not buy pink clothing, smile every time I see a young lady with a mean crossover (thinking she ain’t got nothing on my baby), every time I pass a MAC counter or see a young lady walking in stiletto boots it touches my heart.
We can’t rewrite the past, however we can work at building a future one brick at a time. I pray to God everyday to grant me a chance to mend any part of a relationship with my babies. I can on trust and believe that it will happen.
I thank Him everyday morning and night for the small steps that He has blessed me to have with one. Her forgiveness and willingness give me hope and purpose. She is my reason to keep pushing despite anything that life throws at me these days. Prayerfully, all of my babies will someday find a place in their heart to give me a chance. I also miss and want to be closer to my grand baby again.
If my daughters you are reading this, I miss you, I hate the day that I decided to leave, I am sorry for every disappointment, broken promise, all of the hurt, and for falling short. I am here.
Know that I am so proud of the young ladies that you are. As I watch from a distance, I admire your resilience, determination, and courage. You are all absolutely beautiful to me.
Lord, please hear the heart and prayers of this childless mother.