Old post written in 2015, sadly still true in 2019…😰

Laying here writing and I saw a baby lizard out of the corner of my eye….. It startled me. Without thinking I jumped up and grabbed a shoe and beat it till it stopped moving. Without a second thought I got the broom and the dust pan swept it up and flushed it.

Once I laid back down I started to feel convicted.

Mind you I am not afraid of lizards! I see them all the time and never bat an eye…… I have even picked up a few in my day.

So my spirit began to ask me ” then why did you kill it?”

I could have left it alone or even picked it up and took it outside… But I opted to beat the poor thing to DEATH!!!!

Is this the type of knee jerk reaction that is spawning the deaths of young brothers and sisters so frequently these days??

Are young people dying not necessarily because of fear but more because of someone’s knee jerk reaction to them being too close to where their murders lay their head??

My actions resulting in that poor lizards demise got me to thinking on a totally different level.

We have to do better by ALL of Gods creatures!!!

Lord forgive me, please.

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Life’s story.

Life’s story.

If someone was to write your life story, what would they say?

Whatever it is that is said, how accurate would it be?

Wouldn’t it be better for your story to be coming from you, not me?

I know when it comes to my life, it’s better told my way…

While my life hasn’t been perfect by normal standards, it’s perfectly flawed by Gods design.

Through all of my trials and tribulations, ups and downs, setbacks and turnarounds; I have wisdom that I can lend.

I have a lot to say, so much to share… my reason for transparency is because about people I do care.

Be patient with me as I grasp my pen and put it to paper. I have nuggets of knowledge to lend, scattered throughout and betwixt some capers.

Each of us has a story to tell and mine will be told. I’ll give it to you straight, no bars will I hold.

I can’t take any credit, to God I owe the glory.

I will be the one to tell my life story.

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My mask…

My mask…

On my face I wear a mask, I’ve worn this mask most of my life.

I hide behind this mask to conceal my pain. Be it physically, emotional, or spiritual.

I wear my mask so that others believe that all is well. Or when I don’t feel safe expressing my pain.

Masks are worn to conceal hurt or even shame. They hide the negative, but then again can keep positive qualities hidden as well.

My mask shows every emotion that I can’t or don’t truly feel. It has two holes just like every other mask.

Through these holes my eyes are revealed, but not for me to see. They are an attempt for others to see behind the mask, for them to see me. So tell me do you see them? Do you see me?

I don’t want to hurt anyone, especially if the someone getting hurt is me.

Sometimes I wish someone would look closely enough, enough to see the pain and brokenness, that is me.

I understand how dangerous a mask can possibly be. Know that those who wear masks often tell more truths than those with open faces, ironically.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Rainbow

Rainbow

The rainbow was a promise of Peace to Noah from God. A promise that He would never destroy the earth by flood again (Genesis 9:13-17)

Many look for rainbows after a storm, they tend to give feelings of peace and serenity.

Scientifically rainbows are a phenomenal occurrence that is caused by sunlight in an area of the sky directly opposite the sun.

The rainbow is used by the LGBT community, the colors represent the diversity of their lives. Representing the uniqueness and individuality of all.

Red-is associated with energy and strength

Orange- is associated with enthusiasm, and creativity

Yellow- is associated with joy and happiness

Green- is associated with growth and harmony

Blue- is associated with trust and confidence

Purple- is associated with royalty and power

Rainbows mean a represent so much. In each scenario it brings something positive and full of hope.

When life’s storms come, don’t focus on the rain, wait for the rainbow. Be it in the sky or through other types of symbolism, it’s there.

Often it is where you least expect it… inside of you.

You are a rainbow within and of yourself. 🌈💜🤗

Childless Mother…

Childless Mother…

I have heard songs and even scripture about the motherless child. I have felt this way more times than I can count. Although my relationship with my mama has been a rocky one, it has been one.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that I would live my life feeling like a childless mother. But I do. Everyday.

There are people that I have known for decades that have heard me talk about my children here and there but not a fraction of the amount of time that I think of them.

I have friends that have lost their children to gun violence or a tragedy of sorts. I comfort and console them to the best of my ability and I’m sure that most don’t think I can begin to understand. Not so.

Not only can I relate, at times I feel like my pain is even deeper. My children are here, alive, breathing, and living their lives… void of me. What hurts most is that I lost them thinking I was making the best decisions for them at the time.

Those decisions haunt me each and everyday. At times to the point of wanting to just end my life. End it because this isn’t living! To have carried, nurtured, raised, molded, and mothered my babies, but now as adults they refer to me as dead, it is unbearable.

I am in no way implying that I was the mother of the year! I made mistakes, I fell short, at times yelled too much, spanked to hard, punished too long, and more than I care to torment myself any further about at this very moment; but I am their one and only mother. They are my babies!

I miss them everyday, not one goes by that I don’t think of them. I carry every picture that I have of them with me everyday. Some days all I can do is cry because I want to reach out, but fear the rejection and lack of forgiveness.

I also laugh at the good funny times. I crack myself up doing the running man when I’m sleepy, I will not buy pink clothing, smile every time I see a young lady with a mean crossover (thinking she ain’t got nothing on my baby), every time I pass a MAC counter or see a young lady walking in stiletto boots it touches my heart.

We can’t rewrite the past, however we can work at building a future one brick at a time. I pray to God everyday to grant me a chance to mend any part of a relationship with my babies. I can on trust and believe that it will happen.

I thank Him everyday morning and night for the small steps that He has blessed me to have with one. Her forgiveness and willingness give me hope and purpose. She is my reason to keep pushing despite anything that life throws at me these days. Prayerfully, all of my babies will someday find a place in their heart to give me a chance. I also miss and want to be closer to my grand baby again.

If my daughters you are reading this, I miss you, I hate the day that I decided to leave, I am sorry for every disappointment, broken promise, all of the hurt, and for falling short. I am here.

Know that I am so proud of the young ladies that you are. As I watch from a distance, I admire your resilience, determination, and courage. You are all absolutely beautiful to me.

Lord, please hear the heart and prayers of this childless mother.

It takes a village

It takes a village

“It takes a village to raise a child.” I have heard this phrase for the greater part of my life and I am sure that most of you have as well. And for good reason, the statement is absolutely true!!

But have you ever taken the time to think about what else it may take a village to do? I have soooooo many in mind. Today however, my mind is on a particular village that is essential to me.

I was invited to participate in a wonderful event that took place on Friday August 23, 2019. Actually the event takes place on the fourth Friday of every month. “Fourth Friday Fibro Day” is an awesome village that I just discovered via invite.

Amazingly, yesterday marked the one year anniversary of this wonderful group geared towards raising Fibromyalgia Awareness.

The purpose is to through Facebook, Instagram, and other avenues of social media raise awareness of Fibromyalgia. By wearing something in the color PURPLE , taking a selfie, and posting it on social media along with the designated hashtags for the cause, awareness is growing.

#FourthFridayFibroDay

#Fibromyalgiaawareness

#cure4fibro

As a fibromyalgia warrior and advocate, this movement facilitated by The Fibromyalgia Pain Chronicles, this is now a part of my village! Thank you.

I also thank Angel Williams of Angels Lupus Journey for the invite.

As a warrior of autoimmune disease, as I said these are my villages. I celebrate, support, and value them.

Who is in your village?

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Upside down

Upside down

Upside down… right side up… sideways? These days I just don’t know. Seems that I can’t get my bearings. I don’t know if I am coming or going. Do I start or do I stop?

This life has become lonely, isolated.

Much like trash I feel discarded and forgotten about. Like a discarded toy. No more like a soiled paper plate.

As if my value was solely in my ability to support what was needed to nourish and sustain others.

Now that I need nourishment, I am invisible. And when I dare ask for help, it is done begrudgingly.

When I need the love and support of those that claimed that they would never leave or stop loving me, I am ignored.

When in turn I am quiet, it’s said that I have an attitude. No, I have a need. God forbid that! But I do!

I need to not be treated like I have the plague, like I am a leper, like I am trash!!

I want normal conversation, I need to be hugged, to have my hand held, to be told that everything is going to be okay.

I’m a person. I am a person on hard times. I am a person who has had the rug snatched out from under me. I am a person who’s life has been turned upside down.

Yet I am still the same person that checks on you even when I’m not doing well. The same person who loves you despite your flaws. The same person that will give you my last despite having little of nothing. The same person that is slow to speak when I’m having a bad day so that I don’t take it out on you. I’m still your person!

It hurts that now I am an invisible and disposable person because my life is upside down.

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Dance…

Dance…

Hey loved ones! I just wanted to take a moment to encourage all that are going through. Doesn’t matter what you are going through; I want to encourage you. Know that God has not forgotten you! He will never leave you or forsake you!! If you are in the midst of a storm, know that the SON will shine again. In the meantime learn to dance in the rain.

Dance by finding the good in the midst of what you are going through. Learn to dance by studying and meditating on God’s word. Reach out to another sister/ brother that is going through; dance with her/him. Don’t just sit and focus on your trials and tribulations. Understand that God still uses you in the midst of your valley experience. There is water in the Valley!! Scoop some up and help a brother/sister that is parched! Reach out to another that you haven’t seen/ talked to in a while or one that you know could use some encouragement. I promise you it will not only lift your them up, but you will find that it lifts you as well. Dance!!

This life is not intended to be a solo! We need one another!! Be encouraged and dance like no one is watching!!

© [Tracylily] [2016] All Rights Reserved

Puzzle of life…

Puzzle of life…

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle within a jigsaw puzzle. We are all uniquely designed to be an intricate part.

Each struggle is a piece, each triumph is a piece,every tear, every smile, your laugh, each and every milestone is a piece… a piece of the puzzle that binds together to create you as a whole.

Not only are we pieces in our own puzzle, but in others as well. You never know where you may fit into someone else’s completion. But recognize that you fill in holes in others lives with pieces of you.

Every person, every season, every action, every event is a small piece in the puzzle of life. When things seem to be falling apart or unorganized, remember that God has a plan. So everything happens for a reason.

In the end, when all of the pieces come together it will all make perfect sense. Alone we may only be able to do a little, but together we can do so much.

Know that you are needed in this thing called life. Without you the world is incomplete, your piece is vital! You are precious and needed.

© [Tracylily] [2016] All Rights Reserved

Imperfectly perfect

Imperfectly perfect

When you see me, what do you see?

The question will be the same, but the answer will be as many answers as the people you ask.

No matter the perception of those behind the beholding eyes, I will remain me. The person that God made me to be.

I know I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m still me. Sent with an assignment for humanity.

I am imperfectly perfect, a gem to behold. Possessing a heaven sent message that must be told.

You will never find another, no matter how low or how high,

I was created with a purpose that no other can ever complete.

So beyond my insecurities, despite of my shortcomings, and my oddities… even with my flaws, I am me.

My heart is vast and my intentions are pure. Of these things for certain you can be sure.

Can you see me beyond my flaws?

Recenter your focus, my assignment calls!!

I will make no promises to be more than God calls me to be.

In His eyes I’m perfect, imperfectly!!

Copyright © Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved