I have heard songs and even scripture about the motherless child. I have felt this way more times than I can count. Although my relationship with my mama has been a rocky one, it has been one.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined that I would live my life feeling like a childless mother. But I do. Everyday.

There are people that I have known for decades that have heard me talk about my children here and there but not a fraction of the amount of time that I think of them.

I have friends that have lost their children to gun violence or a tragedy of sorts. I comfort and console them to the best of my ability and I’m sure that most don’t think I can begin to understand. Not so.

Not only can I relate, at times I feel like my pain is even deeper. My children are here, alive, breathing, and living their lives… void of me. What hurts most is that I lost them thinking I was making the best decisions for them at the time.

Those decisions haunt me each and everyday. At times to the point of wanting to just end my life. End it because this isn’t living! To have carried, nurtured, raised, molded, and mothered my babies, but now as adults they refer to me as dead, it is unbearable.

I am in no way implying that I was the mother of the year! I made mistakes, I fell short, at times yelled too much, spanked to hard, punished too long, and more than I care to torment myself any further about at this very moment; but I am their one and only mother. They are my babies!

I miss them everyday, not one goes by that I don’t think of them. I carry every picture that I have of them with me everyday. Some days all I can do is cry because I want to reach out, but fear the rejection and lack of forgiveness.

I also laugh at the good funny times. I crack myself up doing the running man when I’m sleepy, I will not buy pink clothing, smile every time I see a young lady with a mean crossover (thinking she ain’t got nothing on my baby), every time I pass a MAC counter or see a young lady walking in stiletto boots it touches my heart.

We can’t rewrite the past, however we can work at building a future one brick at a time. I pray to God everyday to grant me a chance to mend any part of a relationship with my babies. I can on trust and believe that it will happen.

I thank Him everyday morning and night for the small steps that He has blessed me to have with one. Her forgiveness and willingness give me hope and purpose. She is my reason to keep pushing despite anything that life throws at me these days. Prayerfully, all of my babies will someday find a place in their heart to give me a chance. I also miss and want to be closer to my grand baby again.

If my daughters you are reading this, I miss you, I hate the day that I decided to leave, I am sorry for every disappointment, broken promise, all of the hurt, and for falling short. I am here.

Know that I am so proud of the young ladies that you are. As I watch from a distance, I admire your resilience, determination, and courage. You are all absolutely beautiful to me.

Lord, please hear the heart and prayers of this childless mother.

4 thoughts on “Childless Mother…

  1. I so feel your pain. I am gonna share this with you. I was a young mother and I left home at the age of 16 and was raising him to be a young man. I was single and he didn’t have a father figure in his life so when he got older he ran with the wrong crowd. At times I had to work many jobs at once to make sure that I provided what I was never provided because I always told myself that my children would not go through what I had to go through and that was being bullied and teased about how I looked, how I dressed etc. So I have him more than what he deserved. Raising a child didn’t come with an handbook so I did my best. When he got older and I got wiser, I realized that I could not give him everything so he had to earn it and that is when all hell broke loose. He began to steal and lie to me all the time and then was smoking weed and then came the disrespect. He would sleep with knifes and my daughter which was 9 years younger was afraid of him. We went through tough times and scary moments. I would come home to a locked door and had to get it kicked in to find out that he went out the patio door just to lock me out my own house. Then comes several times later to keep happening and I couldn’t afford to keep paying over 300 to get the door fix so me and my daughter had to go sleep on my mother floor for days until he decided to let me back in. I have had nervous breakdowns and then crashed my car into a pole because it was too much to carried. We feared for our life because he was in a so called gang and always said to us that I better watch my back. He broke into my house and stole things out of the house. All I. All I still loved my son. I tried getting help but I couldn’t find it. He ran away constantly and then use to break back in the house when I left for work. There was times when me and my daughter was locked in my room and I felt someone standing over me and I wake up to my son standing over with these bewildered eyes. That’s when I know when he left that I needed to do something but didn’t know what I could do. When my son turned 16, I contacted a policeman and told him how I felt. He stated that he is still listed as a runaway and if we feared for our life, we should just leave so I didn’t turn back. My best friend rented a unable for me that night and me and my daughter was gone. I had to leave him behind because I knew that the enemy had his mind and I didn’t know what he was capable of anymore. I thought that was the best thing at the time because I had to make a decision to cover my daughter from what was going on. One day he got sick and I found out that he was living with my mother so they had to take him to the hospital and he had emergency surgery. I feared that if I went up there to visit that they would make me take him because he was under the age of 18 and I knew ai couldn’t so I contacted CPS and told them that I needed them to go get him and that would have to get custody because I feared for my life and he can’t know where I live. The day I had to go to CPS to sign my rights was I thought was the worst day of my life because I had raised him and he was almost grown. When COS talked to my daughter, she told them some things ghat he had done to her that I couldn’t never imagine. That day changed my life. He resented me in every way possible but God gave me a chance to talk to him and ask for forgiveness and explain I didn’t have any other options. This story is the short version. Long story short God allow us to mend the broken pieces back together a few years ago. I had to make the decision I had to make because I needed to protect my daughter and now that he has a daughter he understood. He was the best father that he could have been to his daughter and mended the broken pieces. A month ago someone murdered my son at the age of 24 because of a decision he chose to make. I would give everything in this world to have him back in my life today. I am saying all of this to say. I don’t know what you might be feeling but I was once a childless mother.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mo thank you for sharing I am laying here in tears on one of my many sleepless nights. The loss of the love of my daughters are under different circumstances. I am so sorry to hear of the struggles and tough decisions that you had to make with your son. I understand having to make impossible decisions as a mom.

      I went through a divorce that I initiated for reasons that I won’t get into, but the reality is that I wasn’t prepared. I married young and was married all of my adult life which I spent as a housewife.

      That’s neither here nor there. Once the divorce was final I was having a hard time making ends meet and maintaining a home. Being in the same city as my former spouse where I had no family, I was crashing and it was effecting my children. I really didn’t know how to financially manage a household, I never had to do it.
      My dad opened his home to me and my children that were living ima hotel at the time. He was in an entirely different state. One of my daughters was living primarily with her dad due to his athletic background and her being active in her sport.
      I took my other two daughters and moved to my dads out of state. I had primary custody but out custody was joint. In trying to get back on my feet and make things better for my kids I never thought about the legalities of me taking them out of state. Not until I was threatened with an amber alert for taking them out of the state without his permission. I sat my girls down and explained what was going on to them and asked them if they wanted to go back. Their dad and their sister were there. Yes they wanted to go back. It wasn’t until this last year that I learned from my youngest that when we had that talk she thought I was going also until I put them on that plane. Hearing that from her out a dagger through my heart. They felt that I just left them. I made what I thought was the best decision. He was established, had a home, a 3 income household. I had a suitcase and a room in my fathers house. I wanted them to be stable and I wasn’t. Honestly I am in another phase of life that isn’t stable. Not healthwise, financially, everyday shelter… because of my health issues I am suffering in many ways. It hurts. I don’t know what to do. I only have communication with my youngest. But I don’t ever want to burden her with my issues. I am also fearful that there would be no to little concern and I can see why that would be from her point of view. The other two I can only leave in the hands of God. I feel like if they encountered me sleeping on the street they would step over me as if they have never known me. That’s hurtful to even think so I don’t tell them my situation.

      When it all boils down I love and miss them all. I can only pray that God will move, heal and restore.

      I am so sorry that you list your son. I am happy that God blesses you all to reconcile and reclaim your love for one another before his untimely passing.
      I am here for you as I have been and will continue to be. Thank you for opening up and sharing with me.

      Like

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