I have questions…

I have questions…

Dear Suicide Successor,

I write this letter because I have questions. Questions I can’t ask because unfortunately you succeeded. But still I have questions, I have questions!!

What did we miss? What were the signs? I have questions!

How long were you suffering? Was it an eventual build up? Did something happen suddenly? Was it me? I have questions!

What about those of us left behind? Did you think of the pain that it would inflict? Why wasn’t our love enough? Why didn’t you tell me or make it clear to me? Could we have talked about it?

I know what it’s like to battle those demons. I too have had to keep the voices at bay. You know that nagger that tells you you aren’t good enough, that you are a failure, that things will never get better, or that your loved ones are better off without you. I have fought it, I have gone round for round, I have stood in those shoes, I have cried those lonely silent tears… but still I have questions.

What spawned you to stop swinging? Why did you give up the fight?

Did you say goodbye? Did it you change your mind a moment too late? Did it hurt? Do you remember? I have questions!!

I don’t know what to feel! One moment I am angry, then sad, totally confused, I feel guilty, like I failed you…out of nowhere the tears start falling, then I find myself smiling at our memories and that turns into laughter… that turn back into tears!! I’m mad at you, no I miss you, but yes I am mad, but more than anything I’m sad.

So many things I want to know. Pieces to the puzzle that have been snatched away. The one person that could shed some light cut their days short and quite honestly it’s not fair!!!!! Because… I HAVE QUESTIONS!!!

And you aren’t here to answer…

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I don’t belong here…

I don’t belong here…

I know within my heart of hearts that I am not from here. I’m not from this place, this dimension, or space.

I am here on borrowed time, in a borrowed body, and living in borrowed time.

I refuse to adapt, to try to fit in… for I trust that I will soon transcend again.

Back to the place of love and genuineness.

To the place full of pretty colors and many flowers in bloom.

I’ll go through the motions in this place full of hate and strife.

But I will do it on my own terms, that’s how I’ll live this tainted life.

I know I’m a Heavenly being in a hell filled place.

Help me Father to fulfill my destiny and please protect your child from the traps set for me.

I don’t belong here, this world is not for me!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Just a petal in the wind

Just a petal in the wind

I have heard it said that love is a flower that you have to let grow, or that a flower can not develop without sunlight just as man can’t develop without love…

But what happens when God develops that flower and it is beautiful and thriving while on the vine… it gets “picked” (more like plucked)

Imagine the trauma that the flower experiences once plucked. The purpose for plucking it may be backed by the best of intentions. Be it a first date, Valentine’s Day, a birthday, wedding day, or a plethora of other “joyous” occasions…

Who if anyone thinks of the wellbeing of the flower, next to no one I’m sure. As long as apologies are accepted and smiles are exchanged the flower has done its job right? It has shown and fostered love…

Reality is…

As soon as it is plucked, it’s death begins. The happiness and love of others takes it from its lifesource. As the music plays, and commitments are made the poor flower is there standing tall and looking beautiful as it suffocates and dies a slow death.

Once it begins to wilt showing signs of needing attention or assistance, it is likely thrown away and often replaced.

I am that flower, yep the flower is me.

If you weren’t going to nourish me, why pick me to be your symbolism of love Knowing that’s all that I could be?

As I sacrifice myself being supportive and displaying love, I am dying and no one bothers to take a moment to care.

While my words of encouragement and prayer help others to make it, to mend, and flourish, I am in pain and wilting! Does anyone see? Of course not, I’ll be replaced, nothing special about me.

So I stand here looking pretty, standing tall and all the while silently gasping and crying for someone to see about me. But that’s too much to ask.

So as my pieces fall around my feet, continue your happy lives as I am well on my way to being nothing more than petals in the wind.

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I am the prize.

I am the prize.

Listen up y’all, I have an announcement to make! I’m leaving no room for you to misunderstand. Giving you the gutter truth, straight no chaser, so take it like a man!

I’ve never been second place, nor honorably mentioned, so stay away from me if you have ill intentions.

While you are shaking and moving with your wondering eyes, you played yourself buster…

I AM THE PRIZE!!

Thought you could cheat the queen, proved you were a clown. Take a seat and spectate you weren’t worthy to be near the crown!

Lick your wounds and dry your eyes! Sit in the losers section, you lost…

I AM THE PRIZE!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

People

People

In life you will learn that people are something else! They will act as if they love you while all the time stabbing you in the back.

They will speak death and destruction in your life with the same mouth that they smile at you with.

I am thankful that I have learned only to put my full faith and trust in God.

I don’t let the darkness of people to stop me from loving and being kind. I simply cover myself in prayer and have a level of expectancy for disappointment when it comes to people.

SMH, people!!

Outside of God, the only one that I can count on to hold true is me! And for that reason I am the center of my own universe!!

PEOPLE!!!

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I waited

I waited

I have waited for you to see me, I’ve waited patiently. I’ve waited.

Through misinterpreted, direct communications, I’ve waited.

I gave you love unconditionally, even when you didn’t know how to love yourself. I’ve waited

When I met you, that thing others called love, but I never knew, became real to me. So, I waited.

As you ” got yourself together”, “figured it all out.” I exercised patience. Still I waited.

Hoping someday that you would see me for me, recognize what stood before you as I waited.

Silent prayers for you I whispered, for your safety and covering as you had to depart from me. I waited.

My search was over, I dreamed of you, as I did before ever finding you. I waited.

It is said that “waiting is a sign of true love and patience, anyone can say I love you, but not everyone can wait and prove that it’s true. ”

I waited…patiently

I am aware that you often have to wait for what is worth having, hence… I waited!

Not that I kept a record of time, but looking back, time wasn’t on my side as I waited.

Hours turned to days, that turned to weeks, becoming months, passing of seasons, dawning of a new year, two, becoming what now seems like eternity… but out of love, I waited.

I waited for you to realize that for me, it was you.

Suddenly I realized that I wanted and deserved to be the one that you were waiting for, not solely the one waiting on you.

Maybe one day, I’ll be what you need, but I am pretty sure that it will be too late for you to want me. I think today is when I have started to give up.

Although my heart called out to you, wanting you, loving you, protecting you, it was also neglected!

Before you say, “just because the timing is off doesn’t mean it’s the end of our story”, I am aware of that.

Also know that it is the end of my story with you because, you waited too long…

And sadly, I’m tired of and done with waiting on you!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved