I am a Mom!!

I am a Mom!!

God entrusted me with 3 beautiful daughters and one bonus daughter later on down the line.
Because of this I am a mom.

Even when my children reject me and what nothing to do with me… I’m still a mom.

I didn’t get everything right and sometimes I down right failed them… I’m still a mom.

Through weekly tea parties and monumental birthday parties… I’m that mom.

Late night fevers, chicken pox, and the mountains of unmatched socks… yep I’m a mom.

Basketball and soccer practices, thanksgiving dinners, and neighborhood breakfasts… I’m that mom.

Moving around, trying to make it fun dropping off at school and then errands to run. I was a busy mom!!

Now their grown and nothing is the same. Texts, FaceTime, and phone calls are the norm. I don’t really feel needed… but I’m still a mom.

No matter what happens I will always be here for each of you, just a phone call or FaceTime away.

I hold no grudges. For each of you I pray asking God to protect you day by day.

If you wonder why, it’s simple yet complex… I am a mom!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My Trinity

My Trinity

She warms my heart, number two of my three…
God blessed me with her, my Trinity.
I thank you God for bringing her back to me.

5/10 of 20 my phone rang, all I heard was “Mom” and I knew instantly!! God answered my prayers with a gift that only my faith could see.

So many years, filled with tears for your protection and guidance I prayed. At your request away I stayed, but on my heart you were always laid.

Now you are back, slowly we will proceed, thank you, thank you Jesus for the reconciliation. My children in my life is definitely a need.

Many years we missed and I ask for your forgiveness. I never intended for it to be that way, if I could just go back and change that day.

Decisions that I made, in hind site, were the wrong path at the fork. For that I am so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing for you and your sisters, not at all for me.

I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I tried to be the best I could be. Motherhood doesn’t come with a manual, many times I was clueless. But never such a screw,did I think that up I would be.

I’m sorry I failed you, so many important milestones I have missed. I don’t ever want to miss another, if you will allow me to be there.

I’m so proud of the young lady that you have become. Your accomplishments make me smile.

Somehow I knew medicine would be your profession from when you were a little girl. I vividly remember you trying to save every animal in the world.

Your smile is still beautiful and can melt the coldest of hearts. I’m pray that we stay in communication and never again fall apart.

I just want shout it from the mountain tops and the valleys low, God has given me my Trinity back and I’m not again letting her go.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Nothing to say.

Nothing to say.

You laughed at my hardtimes…
I said nothing.
You sabotaged anything that was put into place to help me advance…
I said nothing.
Called me a dummy,
I said nothing.
Overlooked me…
I said nothing.
Talked shit about me to your bff and I heard you, but…
I said nothing.
Hid food so I couldn’t eat,
I said nothing.
Gave me the cold shoulder, treated me as if I was disgusting, like I am less than you.
And still I said nothing.
Talked about me behind my back…
Nothing
Pretended to care, when your actions showed the truth that your mouth wouldn’t tell.
And yet I said nothing.

Truth is I was already tattered and torn when I met you. This you knew.

My self esteem was at a low, low. You knew this too.

Abandonment is my Achilles heel and makes it very difficult for me to get close to anyone. You knew.

I met you at my lowest without much of anything be it material or spiritual. This you definitely knew.

I confided in you, blindly put my trust in you, and did a free fall into this new life.

Try as I might to unhear the things you think I don’t.
I see more than you would ever know. The fact that I am the butt of your inside jokes is cruel to say the least.
How do you find competition with someone who has nothing?

It’s sad. It hurts.

You have broken me, broken my spirit, broken what was left of my will. Congratulations!!!!! YOU WIN!!

While you are still throwing darts with your nose in the air, you won’t even notice the tears that I cry. You won’t see the empty shell that remains of me.

As a matter of fact, I know that you abuse will continue because that’s who you truly are.

And I will still…say nothing.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Treasured Black Man…

Treasured Black Man…

I know a black man that is a super man to me. Through the years our friendship has lasted.
You’ve seen me through the good and the bad.
Applauded my highs, been selflessly supportive in the lows.
Not a time that we talk that you dont make me laugh.
Always thinking of the little things and aren’t afraid to share your dreams.
Black man you are strong with a gentle heart.
Your determination is contagious… infecting those that love you.
Those that love you like me!!
You are my friend, without doubt I can say.
Thank you for being you!!
Black man… you are loved, treasured, needed, desired, admired, and so much more… most of all black man your life MATTERS!

Dedicated to my muse…TT

You are a treasure in my eyes!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Pain that all of the words on every book coup possibly explain.
Unable to walk, barely able to stand. If you can call the vertical crawl that I am doing standing.
Pain in my chest as I labor to breathe. I lay here in fear, with tears in my heart and hiding behind the lids of my eyes. No food near, not a have you eaten spoken by anyone who can change it uttered my way. Haven’t showered in now 5 days, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t lift my leg over the side of the tub and only God knows if I can stand long enough. So I wash up during one of the times that I drag myself to the bathroom. It’s hard to believe that I could be so I uncared about. Is that really the case? Or is it that despite me explaining and saying time and time again how my body is betraying me that those around me don’t get it. I lay here in pain, my mind racing, fear of the unknown yet inevitable. I am already trapped in this body this body that doesn’t work as it should. I don’t remember the last time that something didn’t hurt!! I am afraid! I am alone amongst others. When will it just decide to stop? Holding me captive inside? I feel like everyday I am dying and nobody knows it but me. Today has been horrific and no one sees. Those that I lend my shoulder and my ear at the drop of a dime don’t even see that I am crumbling only a fragment of me. When will anyone see? They won’t! These ailments in my body aren’t called invisible diseases for nothing but I keep on hoping, wishing, and praying that someone, anyone will see… that again there goes the death of a part of me.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved