Pain that all of the words in every book couldn’t possibly explain.
Unable to walk, barely able to stand. If you can call the vertical crawl that I am doing standing.
Pain in my chest as I labor to breathe. I lay here in fear, with tears in my heart and hiding behind the lids of my eyes. No food near, not a have you eaten spoken by anyone who can change it uttered my way. Haven’t showered in now 5 days, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t lift my leg over the side of the tub and only God knows if I can stand long enough. So I wash up during one of the times that I drag myself to the bathroom. It’s hard to believe that I could be so I uncared about. Is that really the case? Or is it that despite me explaining and saying time and time again how my body is betraying me that those around me don’t get it. I lay here in pain, my mind racing, fear of the unknown yet inevitable. I am already trapped in this body, this body that doesn’t work as it should. I don’t remember the last time that something didn’t hurt!! I am afraid! I am alone amongst others. When will it just decide to stop? Holding me captive inside? I feel like everyday I am dying and nobody knows it but me. Today has been horrific and no one sees. Those that I lend my shoulder and my ear at the drop of a dime don’t even see that I am crumbling only a fragment of me. When will anyone see? They won’t! These ailments in my body aren’t called invisible diseases for nothing but I keep on hoping, wishing, and praying that someone, anyone will see… that again there goes the death of a part of me.
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