A view from the other woman

A view from the other woman

Several years I have spent EVERY holiday alone. Like a lifeline attached to my phone. Never knowing when you will call. Being an afterthought to my all and all.

Often I cry myself to sleep at night. More often I just don’t sleep, wishing he was here to hold me tight.

Some ask why I would do this to myself. Do you really think I don’t want to love someone else. My reality is, I love this man. All feels right in my world when he holds my hand.

Today while shopping, I took a fall. No emergency contact, his phone I can’t just call. Laying in the emergency room, appearing that I have no one who cares. Unable to focus on the doctors for wishing he was there.

Can’t remember the last time we actually had a date. I spend so much time lonely, I can’t talk to him late. I love him with all of my heart, but all of this hiding I really do hate.

I am a great woman, I know how to let a man be a man. Why I am not someone’s choice I really don’t understand. I want to live a happy life with you. But more than that, I want my own man!!

Will that man be you? Only time will tell. This has got to be old, the harassment that comes along with you is equivalent to hell. Then I see you and it’s worth it, but not so much when I’m trying to remember your smell.

I didn’t sign up to be single/committed, loyal and supportive with limited in return. I try to walk away to protect my own heart. My soul continues to yearn for him, as it has from the start. I’m sad when we are apart.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you truly love me the same way. If so, why am I not your choice? Day after day day day. Your selection isn’t me every time you walk away.

I want to be the one you pick morning, noon, and night. The one that you come home to and who’s smile makes your world feel right. Just don’t really get why his choice isn’t me.

Although my heart is hurting I guess I have to suck it up. I sit here alone in pain… mental and physical the like. I have to admit to myself, in this situation I am stuck. And the truth of the matter is that it really sucks.

I just want to be happy and I want it to be with you. But I can’t continue this self destructive situation of being your number two.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My Tajay…

My Tajay…

Let me tell you about my baby, my Tajay, my 3 of 3. Three the number represents power, biblically and otherwise. It symbolizes completion, the feeling I had when I first looked into her eyes. This beautiful soul has taught me and blessed me more than she will ever be able to realize.

My pregnancy was a hard one, in the hospital and out, on bedrest, hardly any food could I eat. You were created for greatness, so early the darkness tried to take you out.

Have you ever touched perfection? I’ve cradled perfection in my hands, rocked her to sleep, beamed with pride as she boasted proudly of having her mommy’s feet. I know that none is perfect but the Father, after such a hard fought fight, I couldn’t help but see Gods perfection in my daughter!

For many years my shadow, literally attached at the hip. I miss your little hand reaching to hold mine, give me the sweetest Little kisses, and insist on your belly zerberts on the cutest little tummy, with the belly button like a baby elephant nose. You were the one I planned for, my rida my ace!! Small features and an attitude like mine, but with your dads face!

We had our own form of communication, we scarcely needed words, so much to the point I didn’t realize you couldn’t hear my words. This was the first time I felt that I failed you. For your forgiveness and Gods I prayed. I knew the devil was determined to try to take you out, for your wholeness I prayed. Through you God taught me how to genuinely seek Him in prayer morning, noon, and day.

And so I prayed each morning I woke and everynight before I laid, I prayed for our family but a little more for you I prayed.

I prayed that your hearing not be damaged beyond repair. I fought back tears, when for surgery you, they came to prepare. I remember your eyes so innocent and filled with uncertainty, my eyes you searched. I asked God to strengthen me so that my fear didn’t show much.

I prayed for your healing, that you had no loss or impairment in your speech. I asked God to allow you to each and every milestone that you would reach!! Two surgeries and some therapy later, you showed no signs of impairment, things couldn’t be greater. Yet I still pleaded with God for you and what life would throw at you later.

I saw you imitating my ways and habits or at least how in your young eyes you saw me. I prayed and begged God, I wanted so much more for you than I could ever be. Lord protect my baby, guide her heart and her soul as your steps I know you will order. Protect her dear God from anything that could hurt her.

I never thought that what could or would hurt you would ever be me. Divorce is an evil beast especially to children who have no clue that as a parent, the marriage is killing you. I made a decision to fight, to silence the tears in the middle of the night. My decision, our falling a part had NOTHING and I mean nothing to do with you. I said I needed a break, that part is true, but never a break from your sisters or you.

God truly knows the reasons and with Him I laid all of my burdens down. I knew I was a mess, yet I tried my hardest to hold it down. I watched the adoration and love for me diminish from the entire family, I was no longer a shero to my number three.

I prayed for you and your sisters not wanting to cause more harm to you in my time of unrest. Honestly I had no idea of what to do and I to this day I hate that I failed the test. So much more I could say but until we are sitting face to face I digress. But know to this day, I still have big elephants in my chest.

Quietly in the shadows still for you I prayed, with open arms in the shadows I stayed. Not wanting to fight or cause any more pain, I prayed for the Lord to please keep me sane. In my heart, I knew one day you would want me back in your life, I held so tightly on to that hope. So many times I just wanted to give up, but that hope proved to be a knot holding me at the end of that rope.

I prayed, I prayed through sleepless nights while I tossed and turned. I prayed and at times reached out, only to get burned. I would lick my wounds and pray some more. I thank God for the day He opened your hearts door.

My heart was so filled when for your birthday you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life!! As I reached out to wish you well for your born day, you blessed me by opening up to me as I had so long prayed.

I have my baby back, no things are not quite and most likely never be the same. Yet daily I am thanking God that He reignited the flame!!

I am so proud of the young lady you have become!! My heart with joy is over flood any time you call and just want to talk, or text out of the blue, or share your music because none of it you have to do. Even though you refuse to tell me in return I feel in my heart those gestures are your way of saying, “I love you too.”

I continue to pray for you day in and day out. Just know I don’t ever want to have another period of my life where you are out. I thank God for being faithful and for His abundant grace.

I am so happy that you welcomed me back into your life. Tajay Emmani, you are still and forever will be MY “Crown of Faith!”

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved