Several years I have spent EVERY holiday alone. Like a lifeline attached to my phone. Never knowing when you will call. Being an afterthought to my all and all.

Often I cry myself to sleep at night. More often I just don’t sleep, wishing he was here to hold me tight.

Some ask why I would do this to myself. Do you really think I don’t want to love someone else. My reality is, I love this man. All feels right in my world when he holds my hand.

Today while shopping, I took a fall. No emergency contact, his phone I can’t just call. Laying in the emergency room, appearing that I have no one who cares. Unable to focus on the doctors for wishing he was there.

Can’t remember the last time we actually had a date. I spend so much time lonely, I can’t talk to him late. I love him with all of my heart, but all of this hiding I really do hate.

I am a great woman, I know how to let a man be a man. Why I am not someone’s choice I really don’t understand. I want to live a happy life with you. But more than that, I want my own man!!

Will that man be you? Only time will tell. This has got to be old, the harassment that comes along with you is equivalent to hell. Then I see you and it’s worth it, but not so much when I’m trying to remember your smell.

I didn’t sign up to be single/committed, loyal and supportive with limited in return. I try to walk away to protect my own heart. My soul continues to yearn for him, as it has from the start. I’m sad when we are apart.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you truly love me the same way. If so, why am I not your choice? Day after day day day. Your selection isn’t me every time you walk away.

I want to be the one you pick morning, noon, and night. The one that you come home to and who’s smile makes your world feel right. Just don’t really get why his choice isn’t me.

Although my heart is hurting I guess I have to suck it up. I sit here alone in pain… mental and physical the like. I have to admit to myself, in this situation I am stuck. And the truth of the matter is that it really sucks.

I just want to be happy and I want it to be with you. But I can’t continue this self destructive situation of being your number two.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

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