A view from the other woman

A view from the other woman

Several years I have spent EVERY holiday alone. Like a lifeline attached to my phone. Never knowing when you will call. Being an afterthought to my all and all.

Often I cry myself to sleep at night. More often I just don’t sleep, wishing he was here to hold me tight.

Some ask why I would do this to myself. Do you really think I don’t want to love someone else. My reality is, I love this man. All feels right in my world when he holds my hand.

Today while shopping, I took a fall. No emergency contact, his phone I can’t just call. Laying in the emergency room, appearing that I have no one who cares. Unable to focus on the doctors for wishing he was there.

Can’t remember the last time we actually had a date. I spend so much time lonely, I can’t talk to him late. I love him with all of my heart, but all of this hiding I really do hate.

I am a great woman, I know how to let a man be a man. Why I am not someone’s choice I really don’t understand. I want to live a happy life with you. But more than that, I want my own man!!

Will that man be you? Only time will tell. This has got to be old, the harassment that comes along with you is equivalent to hell. Then I see you and it’s worth it, but not so much when I’m trying to remember your smell.

I didn’t sign up to be single/committed, loyal and supportive with limited in return. I try to walk away to protect my own heart. My soul continues to yearn for him, as it has from the start. I’m sad when we are apart.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you truly love me the same way. If so, why am I not your choice? Day after day day day. Your selection isn’t me every time you walk away.

I want to be the one you pick morning, noon, and night. The one that you come home to and who’s smile makes your world feel right. Just don’t really get why his choice isn’t me.

Although my heart is hurting I guess I have to suck it up. I sit here alone in pain… mental and physical the like. I have to admit to myself, in this situation I am stuck. And the truth of the matter is that it really sucks.

I just want to be happy and I want it to be with you. But I can’t continue this self destructive situation of being your number two.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My Tajay…

My Tajay…

Let me tell you about my baby, my Tajay, my 3 of 3. Three the number represents power, biblically and otherwise. It symbolizes completion, the feeling I had when I first looked into her eyes. This beautiful soul has taught me and blessed me more than she will ever be able to realize.

My pregnancy was a hard one, in the hospital and out, on bedrest, hardly any food could I eat. You were created for greatness, so early the darkness tried to take you out.

Have you ever touched perfection? I’ve cradled perfection in my hands, rocked her to sleep, beamed with pride as she boasted proudly of having her mommy’s feet. I know that none is perfect but the Father, after such a hard fought fight, I couldn’t help but see Gods perfection in my daughter!

For many years my shadow, literally attached at the hip. I miss your little hand reaching to hold mine, give me the sweetest Little kisses, and insist on your belly zerberts on the cutest little tummy, with the belly button like a baby elephant nose. You were the one I planned for, my rida my ace!! Small features and an attitude like mine, but with your dads face!

We had our own form of communication, we scarcely needed words, so much to the point I didn’t realize you couldn’t hear my words. This was the first time I felt that I failed you. For your forgiveness and Gods I prayed. I knew the devil was determined to try to take you out, for your wholeness I prayed. Through you God taught me how to genuinely seek Him in prayer morning, noon, and day.

And so I prayed each morning I woke and everynight before I laid, I prayed for our family but a little more for you I prayed.

I prayed that your hearing not be damaged beyond repair. I fought back tears, when for surgery you, they came to prepare. I remember your eyes so innocent and filled with uncertainty, my eyes you searched. I asked God to strengthen me so that my fear didn’t show much.

I prayed for your healing, that you had no loss or impairment in your speech. I asked God to allow you to each and every milestone that you would reach!! Two surgeries and some therapy later, you showed no signs of impairment, things couldn’t be greater. Yet I still pleaded with God for you and what life would throw at you later.

I saw you imitating my ways and habits or at least how in your young eyes you saw me. I prayed and begged God, I wanted so much more for you than I could ever be. Lord protect my baby, guide her heart and her soul as your steps I know you will order. Protect her dear God from anything that could hurt her.

I never thought that what could or would hurt you would ever be me. Divorce is an evil beast especially to children who have no clue that as a parent, the marriage is killing you. I made a decision to fight, to silence the tears in the middle of the night. My decision, our falling a part had NOTHING and I mean nothing to do with you. I said I needed a break, that part is true, but never a break from your sisters or you.

God truly knows the reasons and with Him I laid all of my burdens down. I knew I was a mess, yet I tried my hardest to hold it down. I watched the adoration and love for me diminish from the entire family, I was no longer a shero to my number three.

I prayed for you and your sisters not wanting to cause more harm to you in my time of unrest. Honestly I had no idea of what to do and I to this day I hate that I failed the test. So much more I could say but until we are sitting face to face I digress. But know to this day, I still have big elephants in my chest.

Quietly in the shadows still for you I prayed, with open arms in the shadows I stayed. Not wanting to fight or cause any more pain, I prayed for the Lord to please keep me sane. In my heart, I knew one day you would want me back in your life, I held so tightly on to that hope. So many times I just wanted to give up, but that hope proved to be a knot holding me at the end of that rope.

I prayed, I prayed through sleepless nights while I tossed and turned. I prayed and at times reached out, only to get burned. I would lick my wounds and pray some more. I thank God for the day He opened your hearts door.

My heart was so filled when for your birthday you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life!! As I reached out to wish you well for your born day, you blessed me by opening up to me as I had so long prayed.

I have my baby back, no things are not quite and most likely never be the same. Yet daily I am thanking God that He reignited the flame!!

I am so proud of the young lady you have become!! My heart with joy is over flood any time you call and just want to talk, or text out of the blue, or share your music because none of it you have to do. Even though you refuse to tell me in return I feel in my heart those gestures are your way of saying, “I love you too.”

I continue to pray for you day in and day out. Just know I don’t ever want to have another period of my life where you are out. I thank God for being faithful and for His abundant grace.

I am so happy that you welcomed me back into your life. Tajay Emmani, you are still and forever will be MY “Crown of Faith!”

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I’m a black woman…

I’m a black woman…

I’m a black mama, no I don’t have a son…
I’m a black mama of 3 daughters,
Betta not bring harm to either one!

I’m a black mama, of 2 daughters who proudly and diligently serve this country EVERY day! Committed to lay down their life for THIS country, in which for the color of their skin…those that they are protecting, Will in the blink of an eye be willing to slay!!

I’m a black Nana,
To a sole and incredibly adored grandson.
I’m a black Nana,
Who,this bitch I will air… OUT!! About my beautifully black only grandson.

I’m a black Tía to…
3 nieces that deserve better than this confusion in the world today!
I’m also a Tía to…
2 black nephews that about, I do not play!

They all deserve to make it home at the end of each day!
The beautiful brown hues of their skin should never be the reason that in life they can’t win!

I’m a black daughter!
I regret the days as a teen,
Repeatedly, I ran away…
Not knowing the parental fears, that for this tad bit of rich melanin in a casket I could lay!

I was a black wife,
Who really couldn’t understand… the worry of my husband when I was late getting home, not realizing we lived smack dab in the middle of Klan land!!

I am a black sister…
To 3 black Queens and 1 lightly blackened King.
Never at the hand of racism do I wanna get dressed up to hear people I don’t know preach or sing!

I am a black woman…
Who loves a black man!!
One that has a gentle demeanor and spirit that some won’t know or take into consideration… and harm or kill him for simply being a black man!!

I am a human being…
So are the people that I love!
We were given sunkissed skin by God up above!
Not by choice, but by design.
If you cut or shoot me… I bleed red just like you! I didn’t ask to be black or to be hated by you or even YOU!!

I love all created by God because that’s what His word does say!!
He’s coming back to get His people. So the signs of the times do say!

“Jesus loves the little children…red and yellow, black or white”
How can you hate me … when I’m precious in His sight?

Hatred and racism is learned!!
Get to know other HUMANS for yourself!! Good and bad comes in all colors. Judge a person by His persona, not by a skin color that he shares with so many others!

Black lives matter, they always have!!
ALL of Gods children matter!! That’s the concept that needs to be grabbed!!

Revelations is now!! God is on His way! We His children will be called up to meet Him(soon)one day!! It would be a travesty to be left behind because you had hatred in the way!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Don’t dare shed a tear for me

Don’t dare shed a tear for me

When they stretch me out for my final laying down, don’t you dare shed a tear!!

Hope the hurtful nasty things you said for the rest of your life dance in your head! Don’t you have the nerve to shed a tear while people’s lies are read!

You kicked me further when I was belly to the ground! When it wasnt my fault that esteem yourself never found!! It was you that you loathed, don’t you dare drop a tear for me!

The butt of your jokes with your “bestie”, are you still laughing and primping as forever they prepare to rest me? Don’t let a tear fall from your face, not for me, the one for which you have distaste.

Don’t turn up your lip thinking I’m only speaking to one, no you aren’t so lucky, at my expense you also had fun! You shouldnt be able to squeeze out a tear for me.

Remember how you equated me to nothing more than a dummy? Yeah you the same that excluded me and thumbed your nose at my lack of money. Count your dollars and degrees, but don’t you DARE drop one tear for me!!

Oh I’m not done, I’m talking to you too! The one who strung me along for years, pretending I was your chosen one. When the reality is you were just having fun! You never really had intentions of me being your one!! You go home to the trash that you placed above me day after day, don’t you think of dropping a tear over me as I lay.

For the utter disrespect that you felt that I deserved as “just the bitch that pushed you into the world”, I will let God deal with you and the days that you have cut, you grown ass little girl!! Keep the same energy, don’t even play like you have a tear to shed over this way.

Each of you and so many more pushed me closer and closer to the check out door. I am now longer anyone’s burden, joke, or fool. I believe that each of you will be happy when I transition through that door…

So don’t y’all dare try to pretend that you have any tears to shed for me. I hope your ugliness towards me haunts you for all of eternity.

But in the moment do one, just one thing for me… don’t dare shed a tear for me!! But pucker up your lips and kiss my ass forever and a day, each one of you in your own way has been a slow death to me!!

Don’t dare shed a tear for me!!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I am a Mom!!

I am a Mom!!

God entrusted me with 3 beautiful daughters and one bonus daughter later on down the line.
Because of this I am a mom.

Even when my children reject me and what nothing to do with me… I’m still a mom.

I didn’t get everything right and sometimes I down right failed them… I’m still a mom.

Through weekly tea parties and monumental birthday parties… I’m that mom.

Late night fevers, chicken pox, and the mountains of unmatched socks… yep I’m a mom.

Basketball and soccer practices, thanksgiving dinners, and neighborhood breakfasts… I’m that mom.

Moving around, trying to make it fun dropping off at school and then errands to run. I was a busy mom!!

Now they are grown and nothing is the same. Texts, FaceTime, and phone calls are the norm. I don’t really feel needed… but I’m still a mom.

No matter what happens I will always be here for each of you, just a phone call or FaceTime away.

I hold no grudges. For each of you I pray asking God to protect you day by day.

If you wonder why, it’s simple yet complex… I am a mom!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My Trinity

My Trinity

She warms my heart, number two of my three…
God blessed me with her, my Trinity.
I thank you God for bringing her back to me.

5/10 of 20 my phone rang, all I heard was “Mom” and I knew instantly!! God answered my prayers with a gift that only my faith could see.

So many years, filled with tears for your protection and guidance I prayed. At your request away I stayed, but on my heart you were always laid.

Now you are back, slowly we will proceed, thank you, thank you Jesus for the reconciliation. My children in my life is definitely a need.

Many years we missed and I ask for your forgiveness. I never intended for it to be that way, if I could just go back and change that day.

Decisions that I made, in hind site, were the wrong path at the fork. For that I am so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing for you and your sisters, not at all for me.

I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I tried to be the best I could be. Motherhood doesn’t come with a manual, many times I was clueless. But never such a screw,did I think that up I would be.

I’m sorry I failed you, so many important milestones I have missed. I don’t ever want to miss another, if you will allow me to be there.

I’m so proud of the young lady that you have become. Your accomplishments make me smile.

Somehow I knew medicine would be your profession from when you were a little girl. I vividly remember you trying to save every animal in the world.

Your smile is still beautiful and can melt the coldest of hearts. I pray that we stay in communication and never again fall apart.

I just want shout it from the mountain tops and the valleys low, God has given me my Trinity back and I’m not again letting her go.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Nothing to say.

Nothing to say.

You laughed at my hardtimes…
I said nothing.
You sabotaged anything that was put into place to help me advance…
I said nothing.
Called me a dummy,
I said nothing.
Overlooked me…
I said nothing.
Talked shit about me to your bff and I heard you, but…
I said nothing.
Hid food so I couldn’t eat,
I said nothing.
Gave me the cold shoulder, treated me as if I was disgusting, like I am less than you.
And still I said nothing.
Talked about me behind my back…
Nothing
Pretended to care, when your actions showed the truth that your mouth wouldn’t tell.
And yet I said nothing.

Truth is I was already tattered and torn when I met you. This you knew.

My self esteem was at a low, low. You knew this too.

Abandonment is my Achilles heel and makes it very difficult for me to get close to anyone. You knew.

I met you at my lowest without much of anything be it material or spiritual. This you definitely knew.

I confided in you, blindly put my trust in you, and did a free fall into this new life.

Try as I might to unhear the things you think I don’t.
I see more than you would ever know. The fact that I am the butt of your inside jokes is cruel to say the least.
How do you find competition with someone who has nothing?

It’s sad. It hurts.

You have broken me, broken my spirit, broken what was left of my will. Congratulations!!!!! YOU WIN!!

While you are still throwing darts with your nose in the air, you won’t even notice the tears that I cry. You won’t see the empty shell that remains of me.

As a matter of fact, I know that you abuse will continue because that’s who you truly are.

And I will still…say nothing.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Treasured Black Man…

Treasured Black Man…

I know a black man that is a super man to me. Through the years our friendship has lasted.
You’ve seen me through the good and the bad.
Applauded my highs, been selflessly supportive in the lows.
Not a time that we talk that you dont make me laugh.
Always thinking of the little things and aren’t afraid to share your dreams.
Black man you are strong with a gentle heart.
Your determination is contagious… infecting those that love you.
Those that love you like me!!
You are my friend, without doubt I can say.
Thank you for being you!!
Black man… you are loved, treasured, needed, desired, admired, and so much more… most of all black man your life MATTERS!

Dedicated to my muse…TT

You are a treasure in my eyes!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Pain that all of the words on every book could possibly explain.
Unable to walk, barely able to stand. If you can call the vertical crawl that I am doing standing.
Pain in my chest as I labor to breathe. I lay here in fear, with tears in my heart and hiding behind the lids of my eyes. No food near, not a have you eaten spoken by anyone who can change it uttered my way. Haven’t showered in now 5 days, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t lift my leg over the side of the tub and only God knows if I can stand long enough. So I wash up during one of the times that I drag myself to the bathroom. It’s hard to believe that I could be so I uncared about. Is that really the case? Or is it that despite me explaining and saying time and time again how my body is betraying me that those around me don’t get it. I lay here in pain, my mind racing, fear of the unknown yet inevitable. I am already trapped in this body this body that doesn’t work as it should. I don’t remember the last time that something didn’t hurt!! I am afraid! I am alone amongst others. When will it just decide to stop? Holding me captive inside? I feel like everyday I am dying and nobody knows it but me. Today has been horrific and no one sees. Those that I lend my shoulder and my ear at the drop of a dime don’t even see that I am crumbling only a fragment of me. When will anyone see? They won’t! These ailments in my body aren’t called invisible diseases for nothing but I keep on hoping, wishing, and praying that someone, anyone will see… that again there goes the death of a part of me.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Quarantine 2020 in the good ol US of A

Today marks one month that my current city has been under “quarantine”…
Over the last month my views, theories, thoughts, and opinions have come and gone and revisited.
One thing for sure that remains is that this SUCKS!!
If you don’t agree, just don’t come for me about my truth on my rant!!
Okay I get it there are an ever growing amount of unknowns and uncertainties coming full speed constantly.
So that being said, things change A LOT and FAST!
But something has to give!!!
No toilet paper, hand sanitizer, alcohol (rubbing), wet wipes, water, etc to be found!
Social distancing is the mantra until the exception is the exception.
The things that would have landed you on the other side of the law are now required!
Children not attending school…
Stores limiting buying food…
In your PJs working from home…
No longer odd to sit home alone
No more southern hospitality
You are weird if you speak
No honor to the dead
Empty New York streets
I never thought I would see where locking your child in the house for over a month didn’t earn you a visit from CPS.
A Black man in a mask would normally be shot dead in the streets!!
But now thanks to Corvid 19 we are being reconditioned to turn a deaf ear and develop a blind eye!
The market crashes, crime is at an all time low.
2020, please hurry up and go!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved