What lies beneath…

What lies beneath…

It flows like a current unbeknownst to all that are in the path of harms way.

Nobody knows it but me!! I used to be afraid, but now I have no feeling or even concern.

What lays beneath…

No one has ever dared to ask or even open eyes to see.

A current so charged that it surpasses the measure of electricity.

Hotter than the degrees of magma boiling not so far under our feet.

I am so close to detonation, trigger of a split hair.

Damage beyond control, devastation everywhere!

Don’t say I didn’t give warning. Time just wasn’t taken to heed.

The rage, hurt, anger, disappointment, loneliness, humiliation, isolation, and all else that has been stuffed down inside.

When it begins to spew like word vomit and settles covering as if volcanic ash.

I tried…

What lays beneath!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Dream maker

Dream maker

I yearn to see your face, to gaze upon your smile.

Lol, but that’s nothing new, I’ve wanted that for a while.

Today is different, my heart feels your presence is close to me.

I’m dropping bread crumbs to coordinate me and thee.

I feel that I know you, however to get to you I must try.

I’ve invited you to me in the ways that I know how… I hate being shy!

Please hear the words that my mouth won’t form to say.

Lets not let the opportunity pass us by make today the day.

From a far I have admired you, hypnotized by your voice.

I yearn to touch your skin, would that also be your choice?

Two strangers passing, in a closely woven realm.

I don’t want anything from you other than your hand to have held.

I have seen you in my dreams, where I walked the beach with you.

What I’m trying to say and don’t really know how to is…

Do you think you can come see me and make my dreams come true?

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

The nobody that’s me…

The nobody that’s me…

I am who I am, who I am is me.

Who is that really? Who really is me?

I’m nobody to everybody, yep that is thee.

Not even somebody to anybody?

A life lived love free.

It would be nice to be someone to anyone…

But that’s not the life of me!

I just am who I am…

A nobody to everybody.

Yep that’s me!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Today I’m Tired

Today I’m Tired

Today is the day that I give birth to death.

Please make it swift because to live this life I have nothing left.

Make my passage quick,please do me that favor.

For there is nothing in life left for me to savor.

Blowing in the wind like ash from burning paper.

Me and in this life is truly a cruel caper.

I surrender, I’m waving the flag…

I’m on the downside, please let it be quick.

Tired of this lonely life and living it sick!!


© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Let me?

Let me?

He is as mysterious as the highest mountain peaks. Could I be the one, the one that his heart seeks?

The depth of his voice, melodically flowing like the bottomless seas. Secrets to unlock and I want the keys.

I find myself wanting to be the one to find the secrets of his lonesome winds, what is it that he is holding so deeply within?

In his voice I hear fire and it ignites my inner flame. Something keeps telling me that this man is different, not at all the same.

Scorpio, I have no fear of your sting, although I know it’s a part. Yet I’ll take my chances to navigate to you inner most places, even those covered with dark.

Something tells me you are a Phoenix raised from the ash, I assure you that I am like no other you have encountered in the past.

I’m not concerned about the face peering from behind the mask. I want be the sunshyne,in my warmth you may bask.

So, If you will take one step, I will take two. Lets take this walk together… I mean isn’t that what duos do?

#NFD❤️💜

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Masked

Masked

A baritone voice from behind a mask. Soothes my soul…a daunting task…

As my world is flipped upside down, my heart is soothed by your methodical sound.

Never have I gazed upon your face, yet you elevate my heartbeat as if running a race.

I don’t know even your name, yet search for you as if we shared the same.

It may seem a little crazy or to some quite a bit odd. To me it is a sign of comfort sent from God.

I believe that angels come in disguise. Just as I know that tears have been dried from my eyes.

So even if your identity is never revealed, know that a hole in my heart you have filled.

I thank you so much for simply being you and making this tunnel a bit brighter as I find my way through!! ❤️💜#NFDG🥰

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I am really not okay…

I am really not okay…

My eyes are clouded with tears more often than anyone would think.

My heart the carrier of hurt, disappointment, and pain… things heavier than my words can speak.

Some think I’m lazy, dismissive, and aloof, truth is the heaviness of all that I carry is breaking me, behind my eyes is the proof.

Life is not meant to live alone, yet I do each and everyday. For days, weeks, sometimes months not another human comes my way.

My heart is heavy. I don’t really know what to pray. I’m in battle with these demons, constantly rebuking what they say.

My soul is crying out, it has the loudest of cries. Yet nobody hears me or sees the tears flooding my eyes.

If the darkness were to take me away from this isolated place… would anyone even notice?? I seriously do doubt it for mine is an unmissed face.

I tell myself it will get better that there are those that really do care. But I know that I’m just lying to myself and no one for me is really there.

With the holidays upon us the loneliness is even the more loud. What I wouldn’t give not to be alone in the worlds crowd.

Oh well, today’s another day that no one will bother to notice that I am really not okay.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My Fibromyalgia Life

My Fibromyalgia Life

(11/28/20 5:00pm)

Today has been a pretty good one on the Fibro meter.

I can’t recall right now the last day that I haven’t been in some type of pain, but today it’s bearable.

While I can’t raise my right arm over my head, the left is working just fine. But I need both, so another day that my hair goes undone.

Walking and standing can be nearly impossible. Today I can with nearly no trace of a limp. Pain in the right knee, lol that’s that rude uncle Arthur.

Mind fog has a hold on me!! I brushed my teeth with neosporin (yuck) and I promise I have watched the same episode of Ultimate Tag 16 times because I can’t concentrate or remember what I just saw 5 minutes ago!

I couldn’t find sleep last night, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open and napped for a few hours early afternoon.

No appetite again but that churning in my stomach forced me to eat. Praying that IBS behaves itself because I am physically too tired for an episode of that this evening.

Overall, it has been a pretty mild day in my fibro life today. I pray that it stays that way. The temperature outside is threatening to fall over night. Lord please keep the effects on my body at bay.

Introvert that hates COVID-19!

Introvert that hates COVID-19!

I am an introvert.

An introvert by nature, sometimes it feels like by choice. But no matter the reason, an introvert I am.

Way too often I have had to force myself to be social. I have had to fight within myself to hug, shake hands, and smile upon demand.

While it is a struggle for me being close to others…these days oddly enough I miss people.

I miss interacting, conversation, and human touch.

2020, COVID-19, and the quarantine have all taken their toll on humanity as a whole!! Life as we know it will never be the same.

We can’t cough in public without bring side-eyed, masks are a staple, social distancing, working from home,, and so much more.

Skin-to- skin contact is essential for mental, physical, and emotional health as well. One of the greatest things touch can do is reduce stress. This allows immune system to function properly.

Don’t we need out immune system to function properly in these trying times? Don’t we need less stress these days. Yet we can’t touch or be near one another.

I can only speak for me… I hate what life has become. I realize more snd more that what studies show is true, people need people. This is lonely place snd way to be.

Having not been touched in anyway for months on end is taking a toll on me. I’m so over this new way of life.

A hug is over due and much needed!

And I hate COVID -19

Whew, there I said it!

Invisible illnesses SUCK!!!

Invisible illnesses SUCK!!!

If you don’t know, you just don’t know. If you don’t live it you can’t relate.

From the outside looking in doesn’t do.

From the imprisonment within my body things are really not that great!!

Invisible illnesses and disabilities are a double edged sword. Most render you riddled with pain of indescribable proportions. Often crippling and exhausting. Yet INVISIBLE!!!

The pains are more than enough to have to battle in the physical. Honestly, no matter how much you fight it begins to effect your mental and destroys your self esteem. While INVISIBLE to those around you.

Imagine being viable and active in one moment and the next unable to ambulate. Imagine having months of no pain only to be slammed and confined to your bed. But no one can see the INVISIBLE assault.

It’s a very lonely state of being. It causes isolation, separation, and misunderstandings. We break dates and miss monumental moments in the lives of our loved ones. They may interpret it as disregard or lack of support. Not realizing the heartbreak it causes the sufferer. I mean because after all these things happen sporadically and they do so INVISIBLY!!

As I lay here in sound mind but with an unable body, I’m sad… no more like heartbroken!!! I missed my baby sisters wedding because of the INVISIBLE hell of being trapped inside of my own body!!

INVISIBLE illnesses suck!!! And I hate it here!!!