Friends…🙄

Friends…🙄

Friends… true friends, these days are nearly impossible to find.

These friends, so called friends these days are most concerned about raping your mind.

In times of crises they are focused on the what, when and who. Too busy being nosey to be a friend that’s true.

You coin a phrase, they use it more than you and the things you once loved they rush to beat you to do.

Friend, lol, what does the word mean today. These so called friends, with your emotions they play.

Where will these pseudo friends be when to sleep your soul does lay?

During my dark times I’ve learned that fictitious character of friend no longer exists.

In today’s world they smile in your face while stabbing you in the front and calling you sis!!

The friends of today… don’t need them, I’ll pass and to those that play the role thinking I don’t see what you’re doing… y’all bitches can kiss my big yellow ass!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Through the Fire…

Through the Fire…

Life gets heavy, when I say heavy I mean heavy heavy!

There are times that life can get so tough that you pray for a way to tap out.

Many buckle under the pressure, some find ways to escape mentally or even physically.

Drugs are an escape to alter ones state of mind… life ain’t so heavy when you are floating on a cloud.

There are those who simply run out of what they think are the only options, so they end it.

I get it! I can empathize with both! I have fought the demon of the latter more often than I care to think about. Especially as of late.

I have often heard the heaviness of life referred to as ” being thrown in the fire or having your feet to the fire.” And I always thought it was a reference to catching or going through hell.

In my growth in Christ I have realized that fire isn’t necessarily always a bad thing!

Don’t get me wrong, it is going to burn and it is undoubtedly going to hurt.

But sometimes we have to hurt to heal. (I have always despised that saying.)

I strive to look at my trials, tribulations, hard times, heavy times as the REFINERS FIRE!

The Bible speaks of it in Malachi 3:2, and I thank the Lord for leading to the passage.

The above mentioned is process used to purify metal. The Refiner (God) uses the heat of the fire to reduce the metal to nearly a liquid state to get the impurity’s out, which purifies the metal (Gold).

That heaviness snd pressure that we feel when life gets heavy and we can’t go on is just like that fire.

The heat in our lives is turned up at times to get some of the impure things out of us so that we can be the best that we can be.

Yes it hurts, but being turned nearly into liquid can feel too good either.

The good news is that once the gold cools back down after removed from the fire, it is beautiful and pure, it doesn’t look anything like what it went through.

If we could just learn to HOLD ON as life turns the heat up on us and God removes unclean things from us, we will become whole again. We won’t even look like what we went through to get there.

It is difficult and God knows there are times that I truly want to quit. But, I am trusting God(and keeping you eyes and heart focused on Him) to take me THROUGH THE FIRE, so that I can be my best me.

Hold on, I know the fire is hot and you feel like you are being taken out, but God is the refiner of all refiners and He is working it out for your good!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Invisibly and inaudibly Me.

Invisibly and inaudibly Me.

Here I sit invisible, in plain view.

Out loud I cry, yet inaudible to you.

No wonder you don’t see my pain, But with the simplest of tasks I constantly strain.

I’m invisible!

You say I don’t tell you how I feel, that my pain I don’t share, no I do tell you, no matter how hard it is for me bear.

I’m in audible.

You don’t see me, refuse to hear me, yet my suffering doesn’t relent. I thank God for those few that do though, they have to be heaven sent.

Lord, I still truly thank you even though is quite lonely and frustrating living this life, invisibly and inaudibly me.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

As I die before your eyes…

As I die before your eyes…

As I answer every call providing encouragement, companionship, and love; do you see me dying before your eyes?

As I struggle to come to you do you see that I can barely stand? That my joints ache? That my knees are buckling? That I can’t feel my feet?

Do you realize that with every step that I take pain that is like fire in my bones shooting through my body?

When you insist on texting instead of taking my calls do you even remember that I can’t feel my fingers? That my hands are cramping up? Or that my shoulders hurt so bad that I struggle to hold my phone?

Ever wonder why I wear the same five outfits repeatedly? No it’s not all that I have, but it’s what hurts the least. Do you know that taking a shower brings tears to my eyes because the water feels like shards of glass cutting through my skin? That I struggle to sleep because the sheets hurt… oh yeah and zippers are nearly impossible.

BUT, when you need me I am here! When you are weak I pray and console you. I wear a smile in my voice and manage to tell a joke or two to lighten your mood. I give you my shoulder to lean on when you cry and even wipe the tears from your eyes physically and sometimes virtually.

Do you know that I go days with no one to talk to? I make go a week with no human interaction. What shoulder do I have to lean on? Can’t tell you how infrequently I’m embraced.

My illnesses and symptoms are VERY real, I suffer everyday. But because you don’t see them, they aren’t a reality to you and my suffering goes unnoticed… as I slowly die before your eyes.

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Unshakeable…

Unshakeable…

This life is far from easy to say the least!!

It is filled at times with what seems to be more downs than ups.

Sometimes tears fall uncontrollably as if a part of Niagara’s…

Pain in my body that in turn pains my heart.

With a mask created by a smile in my voice I navigate my days and late into the nights.

On bended knee, with the bowing of my head, and behind closed eyes I pray!

God gives me the strength to tread where my feet don’t want to travel.

With faith sometimes only the measure of a mustard seed, but faith nonetheless; on Gods promises I stand!!

UNSHAKEABLE!!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

How will your chapter read?

How will your chapter read?

It is so often said that people are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; I truly believe this.

It’s my belief that God places each person in our life, no matter how big or small the role, to help us in fulfilling our assignments here.

God created Adam and gifted him with Eve. As women we are designed to be our spouses helpmate. We are to bring peace and positivity in the life of our protector and head of our household.

We are intended to be friends and helpers of all of Gods creations. Positive things should be our common goal. In friendships, relationships, or any other type of `ship, we should try to leave others better when we leave than they were before they met us.

As we move about our days in one another’s lives, what types of chapters are you writing in the book of others lives? Is your contribution that of encouragement, inspiration, and sweet pleasant dreams??? OR …is yours negative, a magnet for despair, just a miserable nightmare??

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I have questions…

I have questions…

Dear Suicide Successor,

I write this letter because I have questions. Questions I can’t ask because unfortunately you succeeded. But still I have questions, I have questions!!

What did we miss? What were the signs? I have questions!

How long were you suffering? Was it an eventual build up? Did something happen suddenly? Was it me? I have questions!

What about those of us left behind? Did you think of the pain that it would inflict? Why wasn’t our love enough? Why didn’t you tell me or make it clear to me? Could we have talked about it?

I know what it’s like to battle those demons. I too have had to keep the voices at bay. You know that nagger that tells you you aren’t good enough, that you are a failure, that things will never get better, or that your loved ones are better off without you. I have fought it, I have gone round for round, I have stood in those shoes, I have cried those lonely silent tears… but still I have questions.

What spawned you to stop swinging? Why did you give up the fight?

Did you say goodbye? Did it you change your mind a moment too late? Did it hurt? Do you remember? I have questions!!

I don’t know what to feel! One moment I am angry, then sad, totally confused, I feel guilty, like I failed you…out of nowhere the tears start falling, then I find myself smiling at our memories and that turns into laughter… that turn back into tears!! I’m mad at you, no I miss you, but yes I am mad, but more than anything I’m sad.

So many things I want to know. Pieces to the puzzle that have been snatched away. The one person that could shed some light cut their days short and quite honestly it’s not fair!!!!! Because… I HAVE QUESTIONS!!!

And you aren’t here to answer…

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved