A view from the other woman

A view from the other woman

Several years I have spent EVERY holiday alone. Like a lifeline attached to my phone. Never knowing when you will call. Being an afterthought to my all and all.

Often I cry myself to sleep at night. More often I just don’t sleep, wishing he was here to hold me tight.

Some ask why I would do this to myself. Do you really think I don’t want to love someone else. My reality is, I love this man. All feels right in my world when he holds my hand.

Today while shopping, I took a fall. No emergency contact, his phone I can’t just call. Laying in the emergency room, appearing that I have no one who cares. Unable to focus on the doctors for wishing he was there.

Can’t remember the last time we actually had a date. I spend so much time lonely, I can’t talk to him late. I love him with all of my heart, but all of this hiding I really do hate.

I am a great woman, I know how to let a man be a man. Why I am not someone’s choice I really don’t understand. I want to live a happy life with you. But more than that, I want my own man!!

Will that man be you? Only time will tell. This has got to be old, the harassment that comes along with you is equivalent to hell. Then I see you and it’s worth it, but not so much when I’m trying to remember your smell.

I didn’t sign up to be single/committed, loyal and supportive with limited in return. I try to walk away to protect my own heart. My soul continues to yearn for him, as it has from the start. I’m sad when we are apart.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you truly love me the same way. If so, why am I not your choice? Day after day day day. Your selection isn’t me every time you walk away.

I want to be the one you pick morning, noon, and night. The one that you come home to and who’s smile makes your world feel right. Just don’t really get why his choice isn’t me.

Although my heart is hurting I guess I have to suck it up. I sit here alone in pain… mental and physical the like. I have to admit to myself, in this situation I am stuck. And the truth of the matter is that it really sucks.

I just want to be happy and I want it to be with you. But I can’t continue this self destructive situation of being your number two.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Hater on my heartstrings 

I want to first thank God for the doors that He is opening for me these days. After what seemed like forever of feeling like I was alone in the darkness, I see the light just around the bend. 
Getting the first breakthrough last week I was SUPER excited and about to burst at the seams to tell someone but not wanting to disclose too much too soon. 
Unable to hold it,I called someone that had been with me through many tough times over the last year. Waiting for them to pick up the phone seemed like an eternity! In my excited state, as soon as I heard the familiar voice on the other line, I blurted out the unexpected great turn of events, speaking a mile a minute. 
Finally having got it all out and pausing to catch my breath, I was a little taken aback to hear awkward silence on the other end. “Did you hear me”, I asked, slightly confused. 
After an even longer pause I finally hear the driest “congratulations” imaginable. I can’t really believe my ears and re stress how happy I am, only to hear in a stale voice, ” that’s good I guess”. I don’t even remember how we ended the call. 
Yet I can’t forget how deflated I felt. To top it all off this fun sponge did not call or answer my calls, nor text or respond to my texts for almost a day and a half. 
I realized then that this person was not at all happy for me and could not understand why. I mean after all, we had struggled, cried, prayed, scraped up change together, and so much more. When I didn’t have a roof over my head or food to eat, this person opened their home to me to use their guest room and on more than one occasions provided me a meal or two. 
I in return was there for them as well. Through family distress, employment woes, financial struggles, etc. I was there doing research on legal matters, helping on the job search, and picking up financial slack!  
SO WHY NOT BE HAPPY FOR ME!! 
During the disappearance, I thought back long and hard, realizing they had never been happy when good things came my way. 
When I finished my manuscript for my book they ridiculed and judged me, when I came out of my homeless state, they criticized where I moved to, and now this!!! 
I came to the realization that some people will claim to “love” you when you are doing worse than them. But, as soon as you get on your feet and things start to turn around they are of no support for you. 
Didn’t want to say that the person was a hater because of had invested my time, my talent, and my treasure in them, and have even still a special adoration for them. 
My prayers these days are a little different where this person is concerned. I am asking God to remove those that aren’t for me out of my life, especially this one. 
I will not let a bitter or selfish person dampen Gods blessings in my life. 
Saying good bye to this hater on my heartstrings. 
Tracylily💋

Can you be difficult to love?

In life we all go through changes, upsets, let downs, disappointments, frustrations, etc. Sad reality is that they can’t be avoided. My question is how do you handle these negatives?

Many are fortunate enough to have a select few that love unconditionally. That are willing to support us through thick and thin. That’s if they are allowed to.

It is said that we hurt the ones closest to us. Often when angry or hurt we have the tendency to lash out at or shut down with those that only want to love is through the difficult times.

Yelling, screaming, lashing out are not so uncommon when you feel that you have been slighted or mistreated. BUT, sadly too often this behavior isn’t acted out on those that have wronged us.

Do you shut down when you’re hurt? Are you grumpy? Are you mean spirited? Short tempered? Are you just down right mean when the trials of life are standing on your doorstep??

Please be careful taking your frustrations out on the ones that love and care for you. Your loved ones understand that you are going through and will be there for you. Don’t take that for granted.

Make sure that you express what you need during these times. Take a moment to assure those that love you that your anger is not with them.

Know that when you lash out at the wrong people it makes it very challenging to love you in that moment.

In your down times don’t compile the mystery by being difficult to love.

Tracylily 💋