I am really not okay…

I am really not okay…

My eyes are clouded with tears more often than anyone would think.

My heart the carrier of hurt, disappointment, and pain… things heavier than my words can speak.

Some think I’m lazy, dismissive, and aloof, truth is the heaviness of all that I carry is breaking me, behind my eyes is the proof.

Life is not meant to live alone, yet I do each and everyday. For days, weeks, sometimes months not another human comes my way.

My heart is heavy. I don’t really know what to pray. I’m in battle with these demons, constantly rebuking what they say.

My soul is crying out, it has the loudest of cries. Yet nobody hears me or sees the tears flooding my eyes.

If the darkness were to take me away from this isolated place… would anyone even notice?? I seriously do doubt it for mine is an unmissed face.

I tell myself it will get better that there are those that really do care. But I know that I’m just lying to myself and no one for me is really there.

With the holidays upon us the loneliness is even the more loud. What I wouldn’t give not to be alone in the worlds crowd.

Oh well, today’s another day that no one will bother to notice that I am really not okay.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Introvert that hates COVID-19!

Introvert that hates COVID-19!

I am an introvert.

An introvert by nature, sometimes it feels like by choice. But no matter the reason, an introvert I am.

Way too often I have had to force myself to be social. I have had to fight within myself to hug, shake hands, and smile upon demand.

While it is a struggle for me being close to others…these days oddly enough I miss people.

I miss interacting, conversation, and human touch.

2020, COVID-19, and the quarantine have all taken their toll on humanity as a whole!! Life as we know it will never be the same.

We can’t cough in public without bring side-eyed, masks are a staple, social distancing, working from home,, and so much more.

Skin-to- skin contact is essential for mental, physical, and emotional health as well. One of the greatest things touch can do is reduce stress. This allows immune system to function properly.

Don’t we need out immune system to function properly in these trying times? Don’t we need less stress these days. Yet we can’t touch or be near one another.

I can only speak for me… I hate what life has become. I realize more snd more that what studies show is true, people need people. This is lonely place snd way to be.

Having not been touched in anyway for months on end is taking a toll on me. I’m so over this new way of life.

A hug is over due and much needed!

And I hate COVID -19

Whew, there I said it!



Life is not meant to be lived alone, yet that is where I find myself.

Always there for everyone else but when I most need someone all I have is me.

I listen to the triumphs and the pains of those that I love.

Yet I find myself sitting here alone, at a crossroads, clueless on which way to go, alone.

Imagine how difficult it is to cry on your own shoulder, to sort out your own pros and cons.

I cry myself to sleep and dry my own eyes as I tell myself things are going to be okay.

Not effective.

As my world spins out of control, I realize that all I have in this world is me.


And it’s cold and dark. I don’t like it here…


© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved



Friends… true friends, these days are nearly impossible to find.

These friends, so called friends these days are most concerned about raping your mind.

In times of crises they are focused on the what, when and who. Too busy being nosey to be a friend that’s true.

You coin a phrase, they use it more than you and the things you once loved they rush to beat you to do.

Friend, lol, what does the word mean today. These so called friends, with your emotions they play.

Where will these pseudo friends be when to sleep your soul does lay?

During my dark times I’ve learned that fictitious character of friend no longer exists.

In today’s world they smile in your face while stabbing you in the front and calling you sis!!

The friends of today… don’t need them, I’ll pass and to those that play the role thinking I don’t see what you’re doing… y’all bitches can kiss my big yellow ass!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I don’t belong here…

I don’t belong here…

I know within my heart of hearts that I am not from here. I’m not from this place, this dimension, or space.

I am here on borrowed time, in a borrowed body, and living in borrowed time.

I refuse to adapt, to try to fit in… for I trust that I will soon transcend again.

Back to the place of love and genuineness.

To the place full of pretty colors and many flowers in bloom.

I’ll go through the motions in this place full of hate and strife.

But I will do it on my own terms, that’s how I’ll live this tainted life.

I know I’m a Heavenly being in a hell filled place.

Help me Father to fulfill my destiny and please protect your child from the traps set for me.

I don’t belong here, this world is not for me!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Just a petal in the wind

Just a petal in the wind

I have heard it said that love is a flower that you have to let grow, or that a flower can not develop without sunlight just as man can’t develop without love…

But what happens when God develops that flower and it is beautiful and thriving while on the vine… it gets “picked” (more like plucked)

Imagine the trauma that the flower experiences once plucked. The purpose for plucking it may be backed by the best of intentions. Be it a first date, Valentine’s Day, a birthday, wedding day, or a plethora of other “joyous” occasions…

Who if anyone thinks of the wellbeing of the flower, next to no one I’m sure. As long as apologies are accepted and smiles are exchanged the flower has done its job right? It has shown and fostered love…

Reality is…

As soon as it is plucked, it’s death begins. The happiness and love of others takes it from its lifesource. As the music plays, and commitments are made the poor flower is there standing tall and looking beautiful as it suffocates and dies a slow death.

Once it begins to wilt showing signs of needing attention or assistance, it is likely thrown away and often replaced.

I am that flower, yep the flower is me.

If you weren’t going to nourish me, why pick me to be your symbolism of love Knowing that’s all that I could be?

As I sacrifice myself being supportive and displaying love, I am dying and no one bothers to take a moment to care.

While my words of encouragement and prayer help others to make it, to mend, and flourish, I am in pain and wilting! Does anyone see? Of course not, I’ll be replaced, nothing special about me.

So I stand here looking pretty, standing tall and all the while silently gasping and crying for someone to see about me. But that’s too much to ask.

So as my pieces fall around my feet, continue your happy lives as I am well on my way to being nothing more than petals in the wind.

©Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved