I’m a black woman…

I’m a black woman…

I’m a black mama, no I don’t have a son…
I’m a black mama of 3 daughters,
Betta not bring harm to either one!

I’m a black mama, of 2 daughters who proudly and diligently serve this country EVERY day! Committed to lay down their life for THIS country, in which for the color of their skin…those that they are protecting, Will in the blink of an eye be willing to slay!!

I’m a black Nana,
To a sole and incredibly adored grandson.
I’m a black Nana,
Who,this bitch I will air… OUT!! About my beautifully black only grandson.

I’m a black Tía to…
3 nieces that deserve better than this confusion in the world today!
I’m also a Tía to…
2 black nephews that about, I do not play!

They all deserve to make it home at the end of each day!
The beautiful brown hues of their skin should never be the reason that in life they can’t win!

I’m a black daughter!
I regret the days as a teen,
Repeatedly, I ran away…
Not knowing the parental fears, that for this tad bit of rich melanin in a casket I could lay!

I was a black wife,
Who really couldn’t understand… the worry of my husband when I was late getting home, not realizing we lived smack dab in the middle of Klan land!!

I am a black sister…
To 3 black Queens and 1 lightly blackened King.
Never at the hand of racism do I wanna get dressed up to hear people I don’t know preach or sing!

I am a black woman…
Who loves a black man!!
One that has a gentle demeanor and spirit that some won’t know or take into consideration… and harm or kill him for simply being a black man!!

I am a human being…
So are the people that I love!
We were given sunkissed skin by God up above!
Not by choice, but by design.
If you cut or shoot me… I bleed red just like you! I didn’t ask to be black or to be hated by you or even YOU!!

I love all created by God because that’s what His word does say!!
He’s coming back to get His people. So the signs of the times do say!

“Jesus loves the little children…red and yellow, black or white”
How can you hate me … when I’m precious in His sight?

Hatred and racism is learned!!
Get to know other HUMANS for yourself!! Good and bad comes in all colors. Judge a person by His persona, not by a skin color that he shares with so many others!

Black lives matter, they always have!!
ALL of Gods children matter!! That’s the concept that needs to be grabbed!!

Revelations is now!! God is on His way! We His children will be called up to meet Him(soon)one day!! It would be a travesty to be left behind because you had hatred in the way!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Don’t dare shed a tear for me

Don’t dare shed a tear for me

When they stretch me out for my final laying down, don’t you dare shed a tear!!

Hope the hurtful nasty things you said for the rest of your life dance in your head! Don’t you have the nerve to shed a tear while people’s lies are read!

You kicked me further when I was belly to the ground! When it wasnt my fault that esteem yourself never found!! It was you that you loathed, don’t you dare drop a tear for me!

The butt of your jokes with your “bestie”, are you still laughing and primping as forever they prepare to rest me? Don’t let a tear fall from your face, not for me, the one for which you have distaste.

Don’t turn up your lip thinking I’m only speaking to one, no you aren’t so lucky, at my expense you also had fun! You shouldnt be able to squeeze out a tear for me.

Remember how you equated me to nothing more than a dummy? Yeah you the same that excluded me and thumbed your nose at my lack of money. Count your dollars and degrees, but don’t you DARE drop one tear for me!!

Oh I’m not done, I’m talking to you too! The one who strung me along for years, pretending I was your chosen one. When the reality is you were just having fun! You never really had intentions of me being your one!! You go home to the trash that you placed above me day after day, don’t you think of dropping a tear over me as I lay.

For the utter disrespect that you felt that I deserved as “just the bitch that pushed you into the world”, I will let God deal with you and the days that you have cut, you grown ass little girl!! Keep the same energy, don’t even play like you have a tear to shed over this way.

Each of you and so many more pushed me closer and closer to the check out door. I am now longer anyone’s burden, joke, or fool. I believe that each of you will be happy when I transition through that door…

So don’t y’all dare try to pretend that you have any tears to shed for me. I hope your ugliness towards me haunts you for all of eternity.

But in the moment do one, just one thing for me… don’t dare shed a tear for me!! But pucker up your lips and kiss my ass forever and a day, each one of you in your own way has been a slow death to me!!

Don’t dare shed a tear for me!!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

I am a Mom!!

I am a Mom!!

God entrusted me with 3 beautiful daughters and one bonus daughter later on down the line.
Because of this I am a mom.

Even when my children reject me and what nothing to do with me… I’m still a mom.

I didn’t get everything right and sometimes I down right failed them… I’m still a mom.

Through weekly tea parties and monumental birthday parties… I’m that mom.

Late night fevers, chicken pox, and the mountains of unmatched socks… yep I’m a mom.

Basketball and soccer practices, thanksgiving dinners, and neighborhood breakfasts… I’m that mom.

Moving around, trying to make it fun dropping off at school and then errands to run. I was a busy mom!!

Now they are grown and nothing is the same. Texts, FaceTime, and phone calls are the norm. I don’t really feel needed… but I’m still a mom.

No matter what happens I will always be here for each of you, just a phone call or FaceTime away.

I hold no grudges. For each of you I pray asking God to protect you day by day.

If you wonder why, it’s simple yet complex… I am a mom!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

My Trinity

My Trinity

She warms my heart, number two of my three…
God blessed me with her, my Trinity.
I thank you God for bringing her back to me.

5/10 of 20 my phone rang, all I heard was “Mom” and I knew instantly!! God answered my prayers with a gift that only my faith could see.

So many years, filled with tears for your protection and guidance I prayed. At your request away I stayed, but on my heart you were always laid.

Now you are back, slowly we will proceed, thank you, thank you Jesus for the reconciliation. My children in my life is definitely a need.

Many years we missed and I ask for your forgiveness. I never intended for it to be that way, if I could just go back and change that day.

Decisions that I made, in hind site, were the wrong path at the fork. For that I am so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing for you and your sisters, not at all for me.

I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I tried to be the best I could be. Motherhood doesn’t come with a manual, many times I was clueless. But never such a screw,did I think that up I would be.

I’m sorry I failed you, so many important milestones I have missed. I don’t ever want to miss another, if you will allow me to be there.

I’m so proud of the young lady that you have become. Your accomplishments make me smile.

Somehow I knew medicine would be your profession from when you were a little girl. I vividly remember you trying to save every animal in the world.

Your smile is still beautiful and can melt the coldest of hearts. I pray that we stay in communication and never again fall apart.

I just want shout it from the mountain tops and the valleys low, God has given me my Trinity back and I’m not again letting her go.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Nothing to say.

Nothing to say.

You laughed at my hardtimes…
I said nothing.
You sabotaged anything that was put into place to help me advance…
I said nothing.
Called me a dummy,
I said nothing.
Overlooked me…
I said nothing.
Talked shit about me to your bff and I heard you, but…
I said nothing.
Hid food so I couldn’t eat,
I said nothing.
Gave me the cold shoulder, treated me as if I was disgusting, like I am less than you.
And still I said nothing.
Talked about me behind my back…
Nothing
Pretended to care, when your actions showed the truth that your mouth wouldn’t tell.
And yet I said nothing.

Truth is I was already tattered and torn when I met you. This you knew.

My self esteem was at a low, low. You knew this too.

Abandonment is my Achilles heel and makes it very difficult for me to get close to anyone. You knew.

I met you at my lowest without much of anything be it material or spiritual. This you definitely knew.

I confided in you, blindly put my trust in you, and did a free fall into this new life.

Try as I might to unhear the things you think I don’t.
I see more than you would ever know. The fact that I am the butt of your inside jokes is cruel to say the least.
How do you find competition with someone who has nothing?

It’s sad. It hurts.

You have broken me, broken my spirit, broken what was left of my will. Congratulations!!!!! YOU WIN!!

While you are still throwing darts with your nose in the air, you won’t even notice the tears that I cry. You won’t see the empty shell that remains of me.

As a matter of fact, I know that your abuse will continue because that’s who you truly are.

And I will still…say nothing.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Treasured Black Man…

Treasured Black Man…

I know a black man that is a super man to me. Through the years our friendship has lasted.
You’ve seen me through the good and the bad.
Applauded my highs, been selflessly supportive in the lows.
Not a time that we talk that you dont make me laugh.
Always thinking of the little things and aren’t afraid to share your dreams.
Black man you are strong with a gentle heart.
Your determination is contagious… infecting those that love you.
Those that love you like me!!
You are my friend, without doubt I can say.
Thank you for being you!!
Black man… you are loved, treasured, needed, desired, admired, and so much more… most of all black man your life MATTERS!

Dedicated to my muse…TT

You are a treasure in my eyes!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Pain that all of the words in every book couldn’t possibly explain.
Unable to walk, barely able to stand. If you can call the vertical crawl that I am doing standing.
Pain in my chest as I labor to breathe. I lay here in fear, with tears in my heart and hiding behind the lids of my eyes. No food near, not a have you eaten spoken by anyone who can change it uttered my way. Haven’t showered in now 5 days, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t lift my leg over the side of the tub and only God knows if I can stand long enough. So I wash up during one of the times that I drag myself to the bathroom. It’s hard to believe that I could be so uncared about. Is that really the case? Or is it that despite me explaining and saying time and time again how my body is betraying me that those around me don’t get it. I lay here in pain, my mind racing, fear of the unknown yet inevitable. I am already trapped in this body, this body that doesn’t work as it should. I don’t remember the last time that something didn’t hurt!! I am afraid! I am alone amongst others. When will it just decide to stop Holding me captive inside? I feel like everyday I am dying and nobody knows it but me. Today has been horrific and no one sees. Those that I lend my shoulder and my ear at the drop of a dime don’t even see that I am crumbling only a fragment of me. When will anyone see? They won’t! These ailments in my body aren’t called invisible diseases for nothing but I keep on hoping, wishing, and praying that someone, anyone will see… that again there goes the death of a part of me.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Quarantine 2020 in the good ol US of A

Today marks one month that my current city has been under “quarantine”…
Over the last month my views, theories, thoughts, and opinions have come and gone and revisited.
One thing for sure that remains is that this SUCKS!!
If you don’t agree, just don’t come for me about my truth on my rant!!
Okay I get it there are an ever growing amount of unknowns and uncertainties coming full speed constantly.
So that being said, things change A LOT and FAST!
But something has to give!!!
No toilet paper, hand sanitizer, alcohol (rubbing), wet wipes, water, etc to be found!
Social distancing is the mantra until the exception is the exception.
The things that would have landed you on the other side of the law are now required!
Children not attending school…
Stores limiting buying food…
In your PJs working from home…
No longer odd to sit home alone
No more southern hospitality
You are weird if you speak
No honor to the dead
Empty New York streets
I never thought I would see where locking your child in the house for over a month didn’t earn you a visit from CPS.
A Black man in a mask would normally be shot dead in the streets!!
But now thanks to Corvid 19 we are being reconditioned to turn a deaf ear and develop a blind eye!
The market crashes, crime is at an all time low.
2020, please hurry up and go!!

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Imagine…

Imagine…

Imagine living your entire married life in a fishbowl, for all of the world to see and scrutinize.

Imagine the constant following of the media…not only for your spouse, who is a public figure, but for you and your underaged children.

Imagine early one Sunday morning not only losing your husband and your child, but for it to be broadcasted on every channel ALL day.

Imagine your family and close friends gaining the knowledge of the loss through social media or television.

Imagine having to mourn the loss of your beloved child and husband under the watchful eyes of the world!!!

Wait now imagine that your last name is Altobelli… Chester… Mauser… Zobayan… and early this same Sunday morning you also suffered a loss of a mother, father, daughter, sister…

Imagine your loved ones are Refferred to as … “And eight other passengers, died”.

Imagine your family finding out on social media as well or by the smut reporting of none other than the calloused and insensitive reporting of TMZ.

I can’t begin to imagine any of this and I pray to never have to walk in these shoes. But if God does decide for something similar to be my fate, I would hope that people would take at least a few moments to consider me and my family before speaking out of their ignorance.

I pray for all families affected by this tragedy. I pray for the friends and loved ones as well.

I ask that before the onlookers and so called fans weigh in with their opinions and statements that they would take a moment to imagine… imagine it were you and yours.

© Tracylily 2016 All Rights Reserved

Reality Bites

Reality Bites

“Reality bites”, a phrase I’ve heard from time to time. I didn’t follow the meaning until life applied it to mine.

Scrolling through family photos that captured moments in time. My nostalgic warm and fuzzies ended as thoughts flooded my mind.

Vast majority memories of the “sisters” beautiful and fine was missing something… the face unaccounted for was sadly mine.

My mother has four girls yet the memories to be passed on only depict three. Yep that unaccounted sister is yours truly, unimportant me.

As a teen I was a runner, when things got to my level of unbearable, I would remove myself and flee.

For those years I get it. Understandably, out of sight out of mind… so no pictures would have been captured of me at that time.

Yet as adults birthdays, holidays, or just times of hanging out, still no records of me; I sit here with a pout.

I’ve tried to make mends, still in the family tree, most wont even notice the missing branch, yeah me.

I guess it’s pretty easy to look right over me, even when with the sisters the odd ball is me. I act as if I don’t care, I hide my tears from any to see.

Reality is I don’t have anywhere that I fit, no family unit that claims that I am a part. I guess I brought it on myself but it still hurts my heart.

Inside I scream “save a spot for me”, the biting part is all is well in the world with just the three.

So I’ll get back comfortable In the shadows, the place where secrets and embarrassment lurk. Smiling on the outside,yet inside is truly hurt.

Not invited to participate while the youngest walk that aisle and say I do. Know that on that day I will day a prayer for you.